Let loose the Pylons of War

"Oh man I know nothing about the history final."

"Yeah me neither. I don't know whether Pylos is person or a place or an animal or vegetable or mineral."

"Yeah, all I can think of when I hear that word is a traffic cone."

"Pylon was very middle-of-the-road on this issue."

"Pylos was a major thoroughfare for Greek trade."

"However, they were forced to take a detour around it."

"Darn rubberneckers."

Snowing Parmesan Cheese

"What do you call a cheese popsicle?"

"Freezy cheese!"

"What do you call someone else's cheese popsicle?"

"Nacho Popsicle!"

Kosher Kittens?

"Every time I see orange juice I think 'orange Jews'"

"Every time someone says in biology, "Cat juice," I get the image of a cat saying 'meowzel tov'"

They look kinda like fish

So. Jon and I decided it would be a good idea to put goolgy eyes on our shoes. Tyler pointed out some potential drawbacks. But we pressed on.

Rush Limbaugh

"You can make a potato burger as long as you have three potatoes and thumbs."

-----

"That's a hokey folky pokey."

Refuse to Diffuse

"Life is like a water balloon. If you fill it too full, it explodes."

"Marriage is like dynamite. It only takes one match."

------

“Caleb! Your beard is gone! It looks nice. It's hibernating inside your face.”

“And in the spring it will come out again.”

“With little flowerbuds on the end of the hairs.”

Dragged Over the Rusty Keyboard of Your Heart

"If your heart goes 'lush dush' there's something wrong with your valves."

"Sounds like something out of a romance novel."

---------

"Whoa I just dragged my book over my keyboard and something came up. So I couldn't do it any more. I was otherwise engaged."

---------

"Skittles--they come from Steve."

"I want to make a short film about that. I'd still appreciate it in 50 years."

"The good old days. When skittles came from Steve and water was free."

---------

"Every time I see the phrase 'naval power' it makes me happy inside."

"In 1913 Churchill had proposed a navel holiday."

Noodle Slap

If you add noodles onto pretty much anything, it makes it better. And slightly more awkward.

"Filing Sermon Notes with Noodles!"

"How to read a book... with noodles."

"I'm going to go cozy up to Plutarch. With noodles."

"I bought a new couch with noodles."

"Hi! I'd like a bacon cheesburger with noodles please?"

"I'm going to grow a mustache with noodles!"

"I'm watching you... with noodles..."

"I just swept the kitchen floor with noodles."

"My friend cut my hair yesterday with noodles."

"I'm currently typing on my keyboard with noodles."

"Let's play darts with noodles!"

"I buttoned my shirt with noodles this morning."

"I hung a picture with noodles."

"During the Persian war, the Athenians conquered the Persian navy at Salamis with noodles."

"Obama held a press conference today with noodles."

"We sang several hymns with noodles."

"Yeah I got a Brita pitcher and it filters water with noodles."

"I went bungee jumping once with noodles."

"I changed a tire with noodles."

"The Dallas Cowboys can never win a game with noodles."

"There are thousands of illegal immigrants with noodles in this country."

"My teacher taught me about the War for Independence with noodles."

"I replaced my doorknob. With noodles."

"Every morning I shave my face with noodles."

"I gotta go to the gas station to fill up my car with noodles."

"In the spring, the trees began to blossom again with noodles."

"My dog ate my homework with noodles."

"I took my dog for a walk with noodles."

"My lousy neighbor built a fence with noodles."

"I hired some people to paint my house with noodles."

"Jeff is going to fix my bike with noodles."

"The correct way to cut the head off a fish is to put your finger through its gills, then slice along the neckline through the spine with noodles."

"When I was a kid, I built a treehouse with noodles."

"27 is 3 multiplied 3 times with noodles."

"Hitler tried to take over the world with noodles."

"BUY NOW! Mold and soap scum remover with noodles!"

"There's a spider on the wall! With noodles!"

"I live in an apartment with Noodles. He's not a bad roommate. Though there is an interesting story behind his nickname..."

Of course, many of these things could really be applied to MacGyver.

High on Wife

"Y'know, 'wife' is just 'life' with a speech impediment."

"How's wife man?"

"Oh she's good. Wife's just fwoating awong."

"Gwad to hear it. Did you know cats have nine wives?"

"Yeah man. Mine was running from a dog yesterday and ran into a pole. That was one of his wives gone."

"Which one, the dog or the pole?"

Are we human? Or are we Gladiator?

"So there's a ballet dancer and a gladiator walking through a forest. Now, the ballet dancer is kinda flouncy, and is singing "are we human? Or are we dancer!" incessantly and ergo, is driving the gladiator nuts. Because he's a man. Now, this particular forest happens to be filled to the brim with bears, and, since the ballet dancer forgot to hang her trash from a tree, they come out and eat her. They don't bother the gladiator for obvious reasons. He chuckes and says, "Well, I'm glad 'e ate 'er."

Davy Jones' Organs Are Just Like Ours

"Davy Jones."

"Hm?"

"That's what it says on that canoe over there."

"Boy am I glad I'm not sitting in there..."

"Why does this canoe have a hole in the bottom and lead bricks pasted to the inside?"

"It's the ferry to Davy Jones' Locker."

"I wonder if he locks his locker?"

"Probably not. I mean, it's at the bottom of the sea."

"That's a good point. It probably is too rusted out to lock anyway."

"Maybe Davy Jones isn't actually a fearsome pirate. Maybe he's just a purveyor of faulty goods."

"Davy Jones' facewash! WARNING: YOU MAY SPROUT TENTACLES OUT THE FACE."

"Davy Jones' cutoff jeans! We make them WHILE you're wearing them! Free peg leg with every pair."

"Davy Jones' pirate hooks! That's probably where awkward pirates come from."

"Davy Jones' poop deck! Just like how it sounds."

"Davy Jones' body piercing. Gangrene guaranteed."

"Davy Jones' scurvy tablets! Each one filled with a vitamin C rich mixture of old toothpaste and sawdust."

"Davy Jones' gold teeth. They're really just corn seeds."

"Boy. THAT'S awkward."

1000 [hits] is the number of tums I took today

"Here, Jon, hold this."

"Sure thing, just call me Johnny Cupholder."

"He can hold 5 or even 6 cups ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And even more at different times."

"I have three hands and pockets in my pockets!"

"Sprockets in your pockets!"

"Pockets on the sprockets in your pockets!"

"What's a sprocket?"

"I dunno, but I know Spaceley makes them."

Free Zucchini Bread

"A single axon can run the entire length of your body."

"Hehe."

"Hm? Oh gosh. I think I know what image you just got in your head."

"What?"

"A little dude running frantically the whole length of your leg?"

"No, I was thinking of deodorant. 'Axe on, axe off.'"

Beef, Elk River Falls, and Bruce Willis

"If only we had a sun roof."

"Do you have a sun roof?"

"Yes, this is my son, Roof."

-----

"Hmmm possession of stolen goods. Why do they always call them goods? Why not bads?"

"What would that be? 'Hey! You stole my moldy bagels! But that's okay.'"

-----

"You know how, whenever you get lyposuction-"

"Which happens a lot."

"You're all saggy?"

"Sure."

"You could say, "My midriff is adrift!"

-----

"So much peer pressure my ears are popping!"

-----

"I just realized--every time you close your phone, you're flipping it off!"

-----

Stephen: "Lemme show you this song. Track number 8."

"Numero Octopus."

"What is wrong with your cat?!!?"

"Hah what do you call siamese twin cats?"

"An Octopus!"

"If I ever get a siamese cat, I'm calling it Octopus."

-----

"Isn't there something you can touch a leech with and it'll release it's grip?"

"Yeah I think it's bananas."

"My Kryptonite is BANANAS."

"What would happen if a leech bit a vampire?"

"It would turn into a leech, of course."

"WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!?!?"

-----

"I'm getting moo-tion sick. Like an ostracized cow."

-----

STRUM STRUM

"This is a huge guitar. The top string is by my face, the bottom one at my ankles."

"Imagine trying to play chords! You could use your hands to press the frets and your feet to strum!"

"Except for 3 string chords you'd have to use your face."

"I really want to make a giant face ukelele now."

"Face ukelele! You could strum with your nose!"

"You could recognize face ukelele players by the calluses on their noses."

"I see you play the ukelele."

"Why yes I do."

"There could be a whole line of face instruments. Like bongos. for the face."

"Fongo!"

"Fango!"

"Sounds like an Australian animal."

"Or the sound a banjo makes."

Cummings Complex

"Hmm... do you know who this is? Their name is perelandra. The first letter is lowercase, too. Interesting."

"Whoa that's crazy cuz when you told me that I saw the word in my head and it wasn't capitalized. Maybe I was E. E. Cummings in a past life."

"That would be kinda cool to be E. E. Cummings in a past life. I'd feel so... superior."

"Maybe E. E. Cummings had a superiority complex. That's why he wrote in lowercase letters."

"And he probably signed his name E. E. CUMMINGS just to make himself feel more important."

Doormat

'It would be really terrifying if you were in the shower and some guy popped up and said, "Hi! I'm Shower Matt!"'

Summer Gazebo

Well summer has come and Jon and Jon have become just one Jon and another Jon for a while. I, Jon, will be on a fishing boat in Alaska (hopefully) for most of the summer. Jon, on the other hand, will remain here, working at the Thai house and hanging out with various people. However, we will both be keeping blogs this summer.

missinggoat.blogspot.com

[I'll get Jon to post his link later]

Have a good summer everyone! May God bless you in everything you do. Love him with all your heart and do not forget him. He will be there to guide you at all times. I look forward to seeing you all next year!

Ciao!

Lordship Final?

"Facebook is Satan!"

"Maybe Satan is Facebook..."

"That explains so much... Why is my tassel wet?"

Kick You With Mah Shotgun

"I just thought of something! If you kicked someone's donkey in the nose, you could say, 'I just kicked your ass in the face!"

Brocket

"If you had a pocket full of sunshine in your breast pocket, you would call that heartburn."

Metrical escalation

"Meter: rhythm that falls at regular intervals. Like a man with a peg leg on an escalator."

Joncentrate

"I am concentrated! And yes, I have been drunk. But I was watered down first."

Gill Tea Pleasures

"I'm glad we didn't play Mario Cart. I hate that game."

"Why?"

"I played it a whole bunch one day, then Chuck came over and played like 30 games because he couldn't get enough. If they have Mario Cart in Heaven, I'm not playing."

"What if you could be in the car?"

"That would be freaky. 'Oh hey there Mario!' 'Hel-oo ther-e Jon! Wel-e-come to Heav-en!'"

"If I played Mario Cart right now, I'd feel guilty."

"I never feel guilty."

"Gill tea, on the other hand, is delicious."

"Gill tea. Breathe it in."

"Something's fishy about this tea."

Paradoxical

"What did Zeno name his yacht club?"

"Zeno's Pair-o-Docks!"

He's a Poooooor Man!

"I sweat money, but I'm still a pore man."

So That's Where They Went...

"My chin hairs are like owls. They're few and far between, and there are only about two in Moscow."

"There are three that live in our yard. They were playing badminton yesterday."

Weirder Than a Box of Inside-Out Coconuts

"That chimney has a wierd shadow. It's triangular."

"Batman 3: Triangular Shadow."

"Batman 4: Squarish-Shaped Shadow."

"Batman 5: Pentagonal Shaped Shadow."

"Batman 6: Robin goes to boarding school!"

"While Batman gets progressively fatter."

"Vigilantes need donuts too."

"Vigilante Donuts!"

"You could make a whole line of vigilante gear. They already have Batman underwear. Vigilante toilet brush. Vigilante kitchen knife set. Vigilante water--bottled at the source. Vigilante fruit snacks."

"Man I really want to start a line of fruit snacks. Freddy VS Jason fruit snacks..."

"Why are these all red?"

"In my neighborhood, everything is cherry flavored."

"Bad role model fruit snacks. Berry Britney Spears! Lime Lindsey Lohan!"

"Leonidas fruit snacks."

"THIS IS PINEAPPLE!!!"

Stoking a Gas Stove

"Y'know, I love my teachers. I'm stoked about my teachers. It's true. I'm stoked. And you know who I think of everytime I hear that word, 'stoked?' That's right. Mr. Grieser."

Deer With Big Ears

"I bet Amelia Earhart's ear hurt. Because of the altitude..."

Bovine Waitress

"When it comes to cows, I'm a good tipper."

Jewish Demi-god of Witty Pigs

Charles, Jon and I were walking along one evening.

"Hm I really want to do some hand springs."

"You can make water come from your hands!?"

"Doh ho ho ho ho!"

"Staab, you are a god of wit."

"Or maybe just a demi-god of wit."

"Or the son of a demi-god of wit."

"Or the cousin of a son of a demi-god of wit."

"I have the scent of wit, thrice removed. I touched something that touched something that smelled like wit."

"Kosher wit!"

"Not quite. More like funny pigs."

Blindosaurs

"Ding da ding da ding da ding! Well today Christian told me something cool. Ding da ding da ding da ding! Something about dinosaurs. Ding da ding da ding da ding! Apparently, they have a little something called brain knobs; Ding da ding da ding da ding! These little bundles of nerves (a good band name I imagine); Ding da ding da ding da ding! Are located in the knees of dinosaurs: Ding da ding da ding da ding! And they, essentially, are reseivoirs of reaction, Ding da ding da ding da ding!"

"Stoked about that ukelele aren't ya?"

"Yeah! But isn't that weird? Like, what if your brain was in your knees? Or you had multiple brains?"

"You could get a stroke in your left knee. Then your left knee would be really stupid."

"You could get punched in the face and just stand there for a few seconds wondering what just happened."

"But I imagine you'd be pretty good at soccer."

"Dude, your eyes are in your face."

"Yeah but your feet are on your feet."

"Your brain being near your feet would only help blind soccer players... playing with other blind soccer players."

"There would be no end to the carnage."

Deep Fried Eggs

"What do you call a family of young dogs living in a dumpster?"

"A litter of puppies!"

Zebra Stamps

"Jon, could you tell me what you think of my declamation?"

"Sure."

"..."

"It's great."

"I haven't gone yet."

"Yes, but I do know it's white with black on it. Like a dyslexic zebra sat on it. Or maybe it was an albino zebra who had been wandering through the desert when a lost writer who could only read and write backwards wrote your declamation on it who sat on what is now your declamation."

"Maybe."

Creepy Carpenter

"What do you call a creepy farmer?"

"A stalker!"

-----

"What do you call a Seventh-Day-Adventist carpenter?"

"A Tin Roof Sunday!"

Birch Tree (W)Rap

"Y'know, I never really got why everyone thinks trees look like old men. They look more like young people to me, reaching up."

"And they're all holding hands."

"Maybe the wind blew their hair and someone happened to have some hairspray on hand."

"What's blue and white?"

"Eminem in Antarctica."

Laughless, Legless, Loveless

"Did you know that the average person laughs 13 times per day?"

"Whoa. I bet you can't keep from laughing 13 times the rest of the night."

"You're on."

"What's brown and sticky?"

"Haha. Oops that's one. Heh. Oh dang hahaha. Oh. Haha. Aw man! Hehehe darn it. That's five..."

Emoridgidoo

"I had an interesting mental image the other day. An emo aboriginal playing music on his didgeridoo."

He's Short--He Deserves to Be Pushed Over

"Why is there a higher mortality rate among skydiving midgets?"

"They have 3 feet farther to fall."

Flip Flop Flip

"What do you call flip flops for a person with two left feet?"

"Flip flips?"

"No, flop flops. Flip flips are for people with two right feet. Right feet are more dextrous. If you have two left feet you're more likely to flop."

Tectonic Carrots

"What is orange and three feet tall?"

"A Leprechaun that ate too many carrots!"





"What does a clumsy waiter carry food on?"

"Tectonic plates!"

clickity bang

"i think it's just a one round game"

"like russian roulette!"

Inflated Oxy Moron

"Money makes my world go round. Like a tire. But I don't have enough money. So my world is flat. But if I have enough money, my world is well-inflated. And when I have too much my world explodes."

-----

"My this dictionary is definitious."

-----

"I'm the Crazy Metaphor Man! They call me Crametaman!"

-----

"I always forget my tips. A dollar a day keeps the doctor away."

"That's not quite right."

"Oh. I forgot my tips again."

Ghost of Christmas Past Tents

"Did you change my notification?"

"All I heard was 'are you in the past tense?' No, but I was in the Tent of the Past."

"Or a really old circus."

Diced Yawn

"He was on time, like a man sitting on his watch."

"That, if anything was a Jon-ism."

"I'm a Jon-ist!"

"You can't be a Jon-ist! Only I can be a Jon-ist. Cuz my name's Jon."

"My name's Jon too..."

"Oh yeah I guess so. We're Jon-ists!"

"I'm Jon-dissed!"

"I'm Jaundiced!"

You're Back!... What about it...?

A More Accurate Time Share

"Guess what we won for the Andies?"

"What?"

"An alarm clock. And there were two of us. It wouldn't really work out."

"You could do a timeshare thing."

"Ahahaha!"

"Pun not intended."

Genetic Fruit Pollution

"Pomegranates are more trouble than they're worth."

"I know, once you get through the skin, all you have are little seeds. And they really stain clothes, especially if you're me."

"Your clothes stain more easily?"

"It's in my jeans."

I Tuck My Shirt Out

"Funny how people always say inside-out instead of outside-in!"

"I'm wearing my shirt outside-in!"

"I'm wearing my pants outside-in!"

"I'm wearing my hat outside-beside!"

"I'm wearing my shoes inside-among!"

"I'm wearing my veil about-face."

Open at Both Ends

"What do you call a traffic jam in chile?"

"Salsa?"

"A taco!"

"I don't get it..."

"No for real!"

"Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in a taco."

"At least it wasn't a burrito."

Cleaning the Car-pet

Infant Tree

It's All In Your Mind

"It's like a party in my nose!"

"Whoa..."

"What?"

"I've actually had a party in my nose. Well, assuming parties have a distinct odor. Everything I've ever smelled has been in my nose! I've had a pizza up my nose!"

"I've had a dog up my nose! Fire up my nose! Potatoes up my nose!"

"I've had my armpit up my nose! A flower up my nose! Candles up my nose!"

"Oh and not just for smell either! I've had a firetruck lodged in my ears! Fireworks in my ears! A sick person in my mind! I've had you in my ears!"

"Ew..."

"How was it?"

"Like the inside of a hippopotamus with smoker's lung."

"Oh..."

Freshmen Salad '09

Nate Wilson said at some point that each of us could be associated with an instrument. Jon and I realized this could be exteded quite significantly. What if each one of us was a vegetable?

Jon would be a Carrot.

I would be a radish.

Sauder is a green bean, while James would be celery.

Ashley is a squash.

Charles is reminiscent of a potato.

Anthony could be an olive.

Tyler Abens reminds me of an onion.

Lauryl might be a pumpkin.

Dane is a cucumber.

Karyn might be a shallot, while Maggie is broccoli.

And Tyler Antkowiak, he is the lettuce that makes us a salad.

Cellulose Cream Cap

"I used shaving cream for a while, but I didn't like it, so I said, "screw this," as I put on the cap."

Rogaine in the Membrane

"You guys have pop?"

"AKA soda. Yes."

"Sop."

"Poda."

"Poda, Yoda's younger brother."

"He speaks perfect English."

" 'A good Jedi you will never make,' a young Yoda would taunt."

" 'That's alright, I'm a grammarian,' Poda would reply."

"Poda the short, green grammarian."

"That movie would be dumber than a garlic breathmint."

"Are you kidding? It would rock more than an obsidian rocking chair. He's short. He's green. He teaches elementary students about verbs and nouns."

"And you should see the size of his q-tips. He uses lint rollers."

"Paintbrushes."

"Bunches of cottonballs on the end of a mop."

"Or just one really big cotton ball."

"A sheep on the end of a mop."

Transcendental Paddling

"I like this song. It's kinda lame, but it's a lame song I can appreciate. Just kinda chill and, 'all we know is all we know.'"

"Nirvana."

"Yeah I know it's like I'm sitting in a boat with my legs crossed in a coma."

"And with extra arms."

"Three sets of arms arms would make things so much cooler. You'd be really good at boxing. You could slap 6 people at once. You'd be a really good barrista. You would give awesome hugs."

"Yeah, except it would be kinda crazy to hug someone. Where do you put your arms? In between theirs?"

"Well, they all come from the same spot, don't they? So I guess like normal."

"Man you would be really good at swimming. Might be kinda awkward though. You would rock at butterfly."

"Like a human rowboat!"

"Rowboat? I was thinking more of an... eel or something."

"Heel!"

Happy Accident

"Oops that was inadvertentical."

"Inadvertentickle!"

"Inadvertentsickle!"

"This was a delicious accident."

Paraquiche

"Bells and bananas. They both have peal appeal."

Good Guys Guise

"Are we good guys or is it just a good guise?"

I'll Cut Your Face With THIS

"What did the barber say when he lost his tractor?"

"Barber?"

"Oh. Farmer. But I suppose a barber would wonder why he had a tractor anyway."

"So what did the barber say when he lost his tractor?"

"Nothing. He didn't know he had a tractor in the first place."

"Now a tractor beam on the other hand..."

R is for Argyle

"When it comes to gymnastics, failing and flailing are the same thing."

Cordless Mic

"I'm Magic Mike."

"And you can call me Headphone Jack."

Berry Me With It

"Whaaa this snow is deep! I'm being buried!"

"I wouldn't want to be buried."

"I wouldn't want to be berried."

"I was buried in a vat of raspberry jam!"

He's just kidding himself

"What did the Egyptian skeptic say as he floundered in the river?"

"Help, I'm in denial!"

Vac attack

"well that sucks"

"like a vamped up vaccuum"

"a vampiric vacuum??"

"A vampiric vacuum! 'We're in a bit of a hurry for this blood drive, so we'll have to hook you up to the Drac-vac.'"

Like a Fish in a Helicopter

"Jon and I do drugs without doing drugs."

"We're high on life."

"Like a turtle on a skyscraper."

"Or a flying squirrel on it's armpits."

"We're high on our armpits."

She's Dangerous

"Y'know, I've always wanted to do Jeopardy."

"That would be cool. I wonder if there's anyone named Jeopardy."

"I would have lots of respect for them if there was."

"And if they were siamese twins, you could call them Double Jeopardy."

"Pretty much anyone at NSA could do Jeopardy. Claire would own Jeopardy."

"Yeah but Claire is Canadian."

"It would suck to win a gameshow like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire in a different country. Like Mexico. It's like, 1000 pesos to a dollar."

"Ole! I win! I get a free beer!"

Paper Hinderance

"Is a person who builds fences a fencer?"

"Curses! foiled again!"

"And a person who posts a poster?"

"You could give a fencer poster to a fencing fence poster.

Lawn Leakage

"Oooh we have 40 posts! We could almost make a fence!"

Leggo my Alter Ego

"Hey Staab?"

"Yes, Jon?"

"Have you ever doubted your sanity?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Well, my name plus your name equals your name."

"So?"

"So, maybe you're schizophrenic, and I am your alter ego."

"Well, maybe, but I don't think so. If that was true, I would have decieved myself quite productively. Your entire family would be a fiction; my very home wouldn't exist. I live with your family. Your family's existence, from my perspective, is contingent on your existence. If you didn't exist, neither would they, and I would likely be dead from exposure by now. Or maybe I would be living in a stranger's house. Perhaps I am your alter ego."

"That would mean that I am my alter ego's ego!"

"Melinda, can you see him?"

"Yes, but I can't see you."

"Oh. Well, fiddlesticks. I'm Jon's alter ego."

Slow Jitters

"What time is CRF tonight?"

"Seven I think..."

"Where?"

"I'm not sure. It hops around more than a caffeinated rabbit."

"I'm pretty sure rabbits on speed hop around more than once a week..."

"Oh. Well, more than a dead caffeinated rabbit then."

Wong Jong

"The wrong Jon."

"That would be the name of my TV show."

"The wrong Jon. Long Jon. Long johns. Wrong long johns. Jon's wrong long johns. Long long johns."

"They cover my feet!"

"Long Jon Silver. I wonder if he wore long johns."

"Silver long johns."

"That explains so much."

Tender Attender

"Don't feed my dog caramel, you'll giver her cancer."

"Caramelcer!"

"Caramelsir!"

"What have you got in your pocket, private?!"

"Caramel, sir, and I can't get it out!"

thwack

"we got a hit"

"we got a hit?"

"We got a hit!"

Footmousel

"Oh, hello mouse."

"Hello foot."

"I saw a mouse last wednesday next to Bucer's."

"I was in a car that ran over a mouse... three weeks earlier."

schizophrentic bloggers

"Jon, you should post on our blog more often, otherwise it makes it look like i'm the only one"

"or like you're a schizophrenic "

"oh man... seriously: Jon and Jon blogs"

"'I'm just two jons with a similar sense of humor.'"

"you know, schizophrenic is a pretty schizophrentic word"

Farmer's markets scare me

"You're the apple of my eye."

"You're the apple in my eye."

"You're the apple on my eye."

"You're the eye on my apple."

"Whoa man, that would be scary! It's like veggie tales, but more intense!"

"Like the circus!"

"What if fruit had eyes?"

"The fruit has eyes."

"What if fruit had organs? What if fruit had vestigial organs?"

"Fruit is a vestigial organ."

"Yeah, but it's delicious."

What is it could get stale?

This is the tale of the sale of the sail of the stale pale ale, in the pail of dale.

The end.

The President

"How is Obama like a blackberry?"

"He's black?"

"And he's sweet at first but has a bitter aftertaste."

It's been a crazy week and there's a loom on the horizon

"I feel dumber."

"Maybe you are. Maybe I took some of your smort and gave you some of my dumb."

"What if there was an allotted amount of smart in the world?"

"Whoa! So everytime someone dies, someone gets smarter?"

"Yeah! So that would mean we're immensely dumber than people were 300 years ago..."

"And Adam would have been brilliant. He could tell you what the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow would be--both African and European."

"'How many insects were there in the top foot of my yard last September 18, at 2:34 PM?' 'Well, I wasn't there, but, judging by the current wind speed, and the chemical makeup of the smoothie I had at lunch, 8,124,930 and three eighths. There were some unfinished bug meals.'"

"This seems to be an argument for genocide. Kill everyone, and you get uber smartness. Kinda like 'The One.'"

"What if it worked with animals and plants too? If you killed every bush in the world, except one, the remaining bush would become sentient!"

"It's like evolution, except opposite. The survivors become fittest."

Maybe the reason our society is progressing despite the population growth is because of aliens. As alien civilizations die out, we would inherit their grey matter. It's like an ant farm."

the joke post returns... briefly

"After losing once again, what did the fencer say to his leftovers?"

"Curses, foiled again!"





"hey look! there's the joke post!"

European

"David, you're up! ...like Europe!"

Net of Dinner

"My texts are always full of typos. And I just leave them in. I just sent a message to Dane that said, 'I sent you the d-mail.' I sent him a d-mail on the dinnernet. Who needs a table when you have a hammock?"

Humor with Sprinkles

"We have a unique sense of humor. Not a lot of people share it."

"Yes. If people could share it, it would be something concrete I think. Probably would come in a box."

"Box full of humor!"

"Kinda like pocket full of sunshine."

"Pocket full of sunshine! Sprinkle it with dew! Oh wait... those are two different songs."

"Man, if you sprinkled a pocket full of sunshine with dew, it would sizzle."

"I imagine a pocket full of sunshine would hurt a lot."

"You look like you've lost a lot of weight!"

"I know, my thighs are burning off!"

"The new diet product! Pocket full of sunshine! WARNING: Sprinkle with dew before using."

Spocknormous Spocktacles

"I thought I got an M. But then I got my grades. It turned my M upside down. Into a W. Like a turtle's frown."

"Would a turtle's smile be a W?"

"Only if you turned its head upside down. And then he'd have eyes on his chin."



"Man we never fail to look like fools when we come across this spock. I mean spot."

"I seem to come across Spock a lot. Hey Spock how's life? Good?! Awesome! Man I keep coming across you! It's ridiculous! I just came across you again!"

"My hobby is coming across Spock. I come across him all the time. There he is again."

"What a ridiculous spobby."

"I spnow man."

"Let's put 'sp' before speverything now."

"Spokay."

"Spree!"

"Spadow!"

"Spidewalk! Spiderwalk!"

"Spable Spennis."

"Spell Spone."

"Spoffee!"

"Spomputer!"

Harpoon Teeth

"It's funny how teeth can make someone look bad or good all on their own. Like, a guy could be super good looking, but if his teeth are screwed up, he looks like a freak."

"Yeah it never really happens with eyes. They can be big or small or slanted or whatever, but whatever they are, you can find some way to like them."

"And noses are never too much of a problem. Owen Wilson's nose looks like it got caught in the fridge 8 or 9 times, but he's still good looking."

"Yeah, unless you're Michael Jackson or Tycho Brahe. There's no redeeming those noses."

" Mouths are a little more problematic though. That guy on guitar hero is a complete freak."

"Oh man yeah! But it's not really his mouth. It's more his teeth. They look like harpoons. And his tongue is the whale."

"He was probably called "Harpoon Teeth" as a child on the playground. It hurt at first, but eventually he came to terms with it and adopted it as a nickname."

"Then he started a band. "Harpoon Teeth." He originally wanted it to be techno, but the name kinda limited it to metal."

"I just figured out what I want to do for a job. Write biographies for video game characters.

Shiny

"I don't shine if you don't shine!"

"I don't shine in the sunshine!"

"I shine in the moonshine!"

"Are you a werewolf?"

"No. Just an alchoholic."

"So you moonshine in the moonshine?"

"I'm a flourescent alchoholic."

Pet Names

"Hey look! It's Harrigan the Good Works Clam! He's a clam who hands out Easter eggs..."

"You look at tired as Leroy, the Lion of Slumber."

"Just like Gilgamesh the selfish shellfish."

"Rolling Ham, the Parapalegic Pig."

Neil "Wondercalves" Crompton, Champion Sprinter

"Man. Mcjagger's lips are like bananas moving on top of eachother."

"Like puppets!"

"On strings?"

"Yeah. Or maybe battery powered."

"Oh darn my lips are dead. Lemme change the battery really quick."

"What if every part of your body was electronic? Your leg really could fall asleep! Or maybe just die...."

"What if each part of your body was alive independently of you?"

"I would keep my subjects happy. Wouldn't want a revolt."

"Holy cow, man."

"Holy cow-man!"

"Cow-man and his sidekick wondercalf!"

"That sticks in my head."

"Like sticks."

"Or gum in your hard drive."

Helicopter mallet

"you're like a helicopter... you have struts."

"What? well... you're like a truck... you have a bed."

"you're like my computer- you have keys!"

"Ha! You're like a chair- you have cushions.... whoop, i meant to say legs."

"Ha! well, you're like glue- white and pasty!"

"and you're like a broken pencil- pointless"

"Yeah? well you're like habenjero hot sauce- tasteless and unbearable!"

"you're like a rubber mallet dipped in chocolate and dropped in a swimming pool... completely useless!"

"You're like an axe that's repeatedly hit against a rock. You get dull quickly."

"well... you're like... aw... I'm out of things to say..."

"like a broken teleprompter!"

Rolling like Violet Beauregarde

"This is going to be a stupid post."

"I run into stupid posts."


"I'm as tired as roadkill after a 72 hour day."

"I'm like butter. I'm on a roll."

"I'm like frosting. I'm on a cinnamon roll. Wait..."

"How is Absolom like a leaf? Both hang from trees."


"I'm kinda like a Garden gnome."

"Your abs are carved out of solid granite?"

"I exist."

Peachily Proverbial

"I am hungrily."

"Whoa you just made a predicate adverb out of an adjective."

"That I did."

"I'm feeling quite healthily today."

"I'm doing strongly."

"I'm strongly weekly."

"I'm daily weakly."

"I'm daily weakly strongly."

"I wonder if you could make the word 'ribald' into a predicate adverb. 'You look ribaldly this morning.'"

"Hi, I'm Ribaldly, I shave gourds for a living. I'm paid welly. We have the baldestly gourds in town. Most people don't even notice when I do my job. But they sure do when I don't..."

"I don't think you really could shave gourds."

"No, but you could shave peaches. They have fuzz."

"Man, every time I buy a peach it rots."

"In your hand?! Maybe that's your superpower."

"I am peach-rotting man! Hey there supervillain, if you were a peach, this would be you." *foosh*

"You'd need a sidekick to turn your enemies into peaches."

"Come, Peach boy, to the Peach Pit!"



"Man, your pits are rotten."

"I'm sorry."

Let's roll like a stone that gathers no moss.

"Man I used to be so short."

"Me too. I used to be all heights. Including 90 feet. They used to call me Paul Bunyan."

"I used to have 90 feet. They called me Tentacles. I used to tell people I was going to go for a run, and they'd say, 'good luck.'"

"I'm going to go for a crawl instead."

Onomatopoeia

Jon and I were walking along one day when we had a revelation. An epiphany. An explosion in our respective brains. What if every word was an onomatopoeia?

The Joke Post

"I went to a stand up comedy night the other day. The comedian got up and said, 'I feel funny.' We all laughed. That's when he had his stroke."


"Why is Friday night the best night to work in a bar?"

"Everybody is tipsy!"


What do you call a hic-up in South America? A hic down.

What do you call a hic-up in Australia? A hic down under.


What do you call a redneck when he gets up in the morning? A hick-up.

What do you call a shooting in South Dakota? A hick-down.

tie-tanium

"Man... they should make ties with tons of little ties on them"

"Tie ties!"

"Oh man yes! Tie ties... from thailand!!! So they'd be thai tie ties"

"Or how about tie-dye thai tie ties"

"that belong to Ty! Ty's tie-dye thai tie ties... that he ties..."

"Ty tries to tie Ty's tie-dye thai tie ties. Wow man...."

Burnitt

"'I don't do freezerburn,' he said with a sly look."

Spaghetti Pie

"I have 15 words left to write."

"That's good."

"No it's not. I don't have any Latin homework tonight. That's the good part. The 15 words is the bad part."

"Oh. Well that's not such a bad bad part then."

"It's like biting into pie and realizing it's spaghetti."

"Or like biting into pie and realizing it's pie."

"What if you had pi slices of pie?"

"You can't. No matter how small you slice a pie, each slice is still a slice. Slices come only in whole numbers."

"What if you sliced a slice sideways?"

"Still a slice."

"What if you sliced a slice so small that it was just crumbs?"

"Then you'd have a crumb topping for your pie."

Parallel Dwarves?

"There need to be some more dwarves. Like Dumpy."

"Or Prickly."

"Or Slouchy. The teenage dwarf."

"Or flabby."

"Hairy the dwarf."

"Noisy."

"Stumpy, the parapalegic dwarf."

"Dumpy, Prickly, Slouchy, Flabby Hairy, and Noisy, on arriving home find an albino turtle named Snow White doing their dishes."

Frame's Fingers

"Oh man, have you seen a picture of John Frame? He looks like a hippopotamus in a suit."

"Yeah he kinda does. But a jolly hippopotamus."

"I dunno man, there's jolly kinds of old men and there's non jolly kinds of old men."

"Yeah, but Frame looks super jolly."

"Awh man I saw a cool old man at the bagel place today. I just kept looking at him thinking, 'what a cool old guy.' He was there with his nice old wife and he was wearing an old man hat and old man slacks. What a cool guy."

"Yeah I like old men. Have you met my grandpa? He pretty much embodies 'jolly.' He'll just come over and chuckle and poke jokes. And he's missing a finger. Which he's kinda happy about, cuz it makes pottery a lot easier."

"I want to be missing a finger. It would be such a great conversation starter. 'So... I'm missing a finger.'"

"Whoa! What if your fingers were switched with your toes?!"

"Imagine pointing at something or brushing your teeth or typing a paper!"

"Of course, you could probably just do that with your feet."

Awkwasocks

"Hey guess what day it is! Awkward day!"

"Really? Hey... guess what... I've got seven toes."

"And they all have hangnails..."

"It takes me 3 hours to put on my socks in the morning."

Terminal Cancer

"I have a tumor the size of a grapefruit. But it turned out to just be a grapefruit."

"I have a grapefruit lodged in my spleen!"

"How'd it get there?"

"I didn't chew."

The Patch

"I like these people."

"Your fingers are not people."

"Yes they are... this one's Thompson, this one's named... Nicorette."

"I met a Nicorette today."

eh?

"a raise in elevation"

"raisin elevation!"

This Metaphor is a Goose

"Man, metaphors freak me out. Listen to this: 'During the final exam several students went down in flames.'"

"So?"

"So did they or not? They're so easy to misunderstand! Like, is 'the question of Federal aid to parochial schools' literally 'a bramble patch?'"

"My feet are ice cubes."

"You are the sun in my sky."

"I broke a sweat."

"He extended the warm hand of friendship."

"He sneezed up a storm."

"Your eyes are butterflies."

"I am a rock."

"My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of Engedi."

"I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys."

"Thy teeth are a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them."

"Pretty much anything from Song of Solomon."

"Yeah."

first eye blind

"In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king."
-Erasmus

"In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is blind."
-Us

Structured Snail Tickling

"Gee whiz, Nelson, the internet's as slow as a slug on drugs."

"Maybe David's watching something."

"He left."

"Maybe Anthony's watching something."

"He left."

"Maybe Steve's watching something."

"He... Oh yeah, he's here."

"Or maybe Melinda is watching dancing with the stars."

"Melinda is dancing with the stars."

"Melinda is Jupiter."

"Whoa! The whole universe is in a dance! Isn't it crazy how everything outside the earth is so structured?! The earth takes 365 days to go around the Sun, the entire galaxy is spinning in perfect tempo with the rest of the universe! On the subatomic level, too! Every particle within an atom is perfectly balanced and spaced; every atom is placed according to need, every part of a cell performing its function with exactitude to form a healthy cell, one in a billion cells, all working forward for the good of the body."

"And the body is a mess. Like, scratching my ear isn't very structured, is it?"

"How do you know? It could be structured in an incredibly subtle, sophisticated and poetic way. Whoa! What if you could use scratching yourself as a mnemonic device? Scratch memory!"

"We should write a book on it! 'I went through Harvard using scratch memory'"

"'You should've seen me present my thesis! I was fidgeting like a hypochondriac covered in moldy pastries.' man it would be hard to remember where to itch every time you needed to remember something."

"Just work from the top down. 'the hair... the nose... the armpit..."

"You could use it to help you present a topic on various body parts. Whoa that's weird, I just had a flashback to when I was five and we found some snails in a tree."

Signy?

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

What's grey and rocky?

A rock!

What's tall and signy?

A 7 foot tall deaf mute!

Construction of the Gazebo

"I was in mountain view park yesterday. I walked all the way out there to play airsoft, and nobody showed up! So I walked home past the playground. That's such a cool playground!"

"Ohhh man I know! Like that treehouse thing? Awesome!"

"Treehouse? I didn't think there was a treehouse there..."

"Well it's kinda a treehouse without a tree."

"Wouldn't that be just a house?"

"Whoaa a tree house without a tree is a regular house! I live in a treehouse without the tree! Where do you live?!"

"In a treehouse without a house! Wait... tree.... hmm... wouldn't a treehouse without a tree just be a gazebo?"

"What's a gazebo?"

"And so I guess a gazebo in a tree would be a high gazebo..."

"High Gazebo!"

"High Gazebo!"

"High Gazebo!"

"It's like a high five, but with gazebos!"

"Imagine if two gazebos got flung at eachother!"

"No one would live..."