Antibacterial Handpasta

"So I was thinking about awkward today. Turns out it's all in the legs. If someone complimented your shirt, you'd think 'oh, okay.' If they complimented your pants, you'd wonder... It's like, if someone said, 'You have nice hands,' it would be fine. But it would be weird to say, 'I like your knees...'"

"I dunno--I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with people complimenting my hands. What would you say? 'Thanks. I brush regularly.'?"

"Handpaste. Gross."

"Nosepaste!"

"Just be careful not to use anti-cavity paste."

"It filled in my nostrils!"

It's All In Your Mind

"It's like a party in my nose!"

"Whoa..."

"What?"

"I've actually had a party in my nose. Well, assuming parties have a distinct odor. Everything I've ever smelled has been in my nose! I've had a pizza up my nose!"

"I've had a dog up my nose! Fire up my nose! Potatoes up my nose!"

"I've had my armpit up my nose! A flower up my nose! Candles up my nose!"

"Oh and not just for smell either! I've had a firetruck lodged in my ears! Fireworks in my ears! A sick person in my mind! I've had you in my ears!"

"Ew..."

"How was it?"

"Like the inside of a hippopotamus with smoker's lung."

"Oh..."

Harpoon Teeth

"It's funny how teeth can make someone look bad or good all on their own. Like, a guy could be super good looking, but if his teeth are screwed up, he looks like a freak."

"Yeah it never really happens with eyes. They can be big or small or slanted or whatever, but whatever they are, you can find some way to like them."

"And noses are never too much of a problem. Owen Wilson's nose looks like it got caught in the fridge 8 or 9 times, but he's still good looking."

"Yeah, unless you're Michael Jackson or Tycho Brahe. There's no redeeming those noses."

" Mouths are a little more problematic though. That guy on guitar hero is a complete freak."

"Oh man yeah! But it's not really his mouth. It's more his teeth. They look like harpoons. And his tongue is the whale."

"He was probably called "Harpoon Teeth" as a child on the playground. It hurt at first, but eventually he came to terms with it and adopted it as a nickname."

"Then he started a band. "Harpoon Teeth." He originally wanted it to be techno, but the name kinda limited it to metal."

"I just figured out what I want to do for a job. Write biographies for video game characters.