Inflated Oxy Moron

"Money makes my world go round. Like a tire. But I don't have enough money. So my world is flat. But if I have enough money, my world is well-inflated. And when I have too much my world explodes."

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"My this dictionary is definitious."

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"I'm the Crazy Metaphor Man! They call me Crametaman!"

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"I always forget my tips. A dollar a day keeps the doctor away."

"That's not quite right."

"Oh. I forgot my tips again."

Ghost of Christmas Past Tents

"Did you change my notification?"

"All I heard was 'are you in the past tense?' No, but I was in the Tent of the Past."

"Or a really old circus."

Diced Yawn

"He was on time, like a man sitting on his watch."

"That, if anything was a Jon-ism."

"I'm a Jon-ist!"

"You can't be a Jon-ist! Only I can be a Jon-ist. Cuz my name's Jon."

"My name's Jon too..."

"Oh yeah I guess so. We're Jon-ists!"

"I'm Jon-dissed!"

"I'm Jaundiced!"

You're Back!... What about it...?

A More Accurate Time Share

"Guess what we won for the Andies?"

"What?"

"An alarm clock. And there were two of us. It wouldn't really work out."

"You could do a timeshare thing."

"Ahahaha!"

"Pun not intended."

Genetic Fruit Pollution

"Pomegranates are more trouble than they're worth."

"I know, once you get through the skin, all you have are little seeds. And they really stain clothes, especially if you're me."

"Your clothes stain more easily?"

"It's in my jeans."

I Tuck My Shirt Out

"Funny how people always say inside-out instead of outside-in!"

"I'm wearing my shirt outside-in!"

"I'm wearing my pants outside-in!"

"I'm wearing my hat outside-beside!"

"I'm wearing my shoes inside-among!"

"I'm wearing my veil about-face."

Open at Both Ends

"What do you call a traffic jam in chile?"

"Salsa?"

"A taco!"

"I don't get it..."

"No for real!"

"Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in a taco."

"At least it wasn't a burrito."

Cleaning the Car-pet

Infant Tree

It's All In Your Mind

"It's like a party in my nose!"

"Whoa..."

"What?"

"I've actually had a party in my nose. Well, assuming parties have a distinct odor. Everything I've ever smelled has been in my nose! I've had a pizza up my nose!"

"I've had a dog up my nose! Fire up my nose! Potatoes up my nose!"

"I've had my armpit up my nose! A flower up my nose! Candles up my nose!"

"Oh and not just for smell either! I've had a firetruck lodged in my ears! Fireworks in my ears! A sick person in my mind! I've had you in my ears!"

"Ew..."

"How was it?"

"Like the inside of a hippopotamus with smoker's lung."

"Oh..."

Freshmen Salad '09

Nate Wilson said at some point that each of us could be associated with an instrument. Jon and I realized this could be exteded quite significantly. What if each one of us was a vegetable?

Jon would be a Carrot.

I would be a radish.

Sauder is a green bean, while James would be celery.

Ashley is a squash.

Charles is reminiscent of a potato.

Anthony could be an olive.

Tyler Abens reminds me of an onion.

Lauryl might be a pumpkin.

Dane is a cucumber.

Karyn might be a shallot, while Maggie is broccoli.

And Tyler Antkowiak, he is the lettuce that makes us a salad.

Cellulose Cream Cap

"I used shaving cream for a while, but I didn't like it, so I said, "screw this," as I put on the cap."

Rogaine in the Membrane

"You guys have pop?"

"AKA soda. Yes."

"Sop."

"Poda."

"Poda, Yoda's younger brother."

"He speaks perfect English."

" 'A good Jedi you will never make,' a young Yoda would taunt."

" 'That's alright, I'm a grammarian,' Poda would reply."

"Poda the short, green grammarian."

"That movie would be dumber than a garlic breathmint."

"Are you kidding? It would rock more than an obsidian rocking chair. He's short. He's green. He teaches elementary students about verbs and nouns."

"And you should see the size of his q-tips. He uses lint rollers."

"Paintbrushes."

"Bunches of cottonballs on the end of a mop."

"Or just one really big cotton ball."

"A sheep on the end of a mop."

Transcendental Paddling

"I like this song. It's kinda lame, but it's a lame song I can appreciate. Just kinda chill and, 'all we know is all we know.'"

"Nirvana."

"Yeah I know it's like I'm sitting in a boat with my legs crossed in a coma."

"And with extra arms."

"Three sets of arms arms would make things so much cooler. You'd be really good at boxing. You could slap 6 people at once. You'd be a really good barrista. You would give awesome hugs."

"Yeah, except it would be kinda crazy to hug someone. Where do you put your arms? In between theirs?"

"Well, they all come from the same spot, don't they? So I guess like normal."

"Man you would be really good at swimming. Might be kinda awkward though. You would rock at butterfly."

"Like a human rowboat!"

"Rowboat? I was thinking more of an... eel or something."

"Heel!"

Happy Accident

"Oops that was inadvertentical."

"Inadvertentickle!"

"Inadvertentsickle!"

"This was a delicious accident."

Paraquiche

"Bells and bananas. They both have peal appeal."

Good Guys Guise

"Are we good guys or is it just a good guise?"

I'll Cut Your Face With THIS

"What did the barber say when he lost his tractor?"

"Barber?"

"Oh. Farmer. But I suppose a barber would wonder why he had a tractor anyway."

"So what did the barber say when he lost his tractor?"

"Nothing. He didn't know he had a tractor in the first place."

"Now a tractor beam on the other hand..."

R is for Argyle

"When it comes to gymnastics, failing and flailing are the same thing."

Cordless Mic

"I'm Magic Mike."

"And you can call me Headphone Jack."

Berry Me With It

"Whaaa this snow is deep! I'm being buried!"

"I wouldn't want to be buried."

"I wouldn't want to be berried."

"I was buried in a vat of raspberry jam!"

He's just kidding himself

"What did the Egyptian skeptic say as he floundered in the river?"

"Help, I'm in denial!"

Vac attack

"well that sucks"

"like a vamped up vaccuum"

"a vampiric vacuum??"

"A vampiric vacuum! 'We're in a bit of a hurry for this blood drive, so we'll have to hook you up to the Drac-vac.'"

Like a Fish in a Helicopter

"Jon and I do drugs without doing drugs."

"We're high on life."

"Like a turtle on a skyscraper."

"Or a flying squirrel on it's armpits."

"We're high on our armpits."

She's Dangerous

"Y'know, I've always wanted to do Jeopardy."

"That would be cool. I wonder if there's anyone named Jeopardy."

"I would have lots of respect for them if there was."

"And if they were siamese twins, you could call them Double Jeopardy."

"Pretty much anyone at NSA could do Jeopardy. Claire would own Jeopardy."

"Yeah but Claire is Canadian."

"It would suck to win a gameshow like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire in a different country. Like Mexico. It's like, 1000 pesos to a dollar."

"Ole! I win! I get a free beer!"

Paper Hinderance

"Is a person who builds fences a fencer?"

"Curses! foiled again!"

"And a person who posts a poster?"

"You could give a fencer poster to a fencing fence poster.

Lawn Leakage

"Oooh we have 40 posts! We could almost make a fence!"

Leggo my Alter Ego

"Hey Staab?"

"Yes, Jon?"

"Have you ever doubted your sanity?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Well, my name plus your name equals your name."

"So?"

"So, maybe you're schizophrenic, and I am your alter ego."

"Well, maybe, but I don't think so. If that was true, I would have decieved myself quite productively. Your entire family would be a fiction; my very home wouldn't exist. I live with your family. Your family's existence, from my perspective, is contingent on your existence. If you didn't exist, neither would they, and I would likely be dead from exposure by now. Or maybe I would be living in a stranger's house. Perhaps I am your alter ego."

"That would mean that I am my alter ego's ego!"

"Melinda, can you see him?"

"Yes, but I can't see you."

"Oh. Well, fiddlesticks. I'm Jon's alter ego."

Slow Jitters

"What time is CRF tonight?"

"Seven I think..."

"Where?"

"I'm not sure. It hops around more than a caffeinated rabbit."

"I'm pretty sure rabbits on speed hop around more than once a week..."

"Oh. Well, more than a dead caffeinated rabbit then."

Wong Jong

"The wrong Jon."

"That would be the name of my TV show."

"The wrong Jon. Long Jon. Long johns. Wrong long johns. Jon's wrong long johns. Long long johns."

"They cover my feet!"

"Long Jon Silver. I wonder if he wore long johns."

"Silver long johns."

"That explains so much."

Tender Attender

"Don't feed my dog caramel, you'll giver her cancer."

"Caramelcer!"

"Caramelsir!"

"What have you got in your pocket, private?!"

"Caramel, sir, and I can't get it out!"

thwack

"we got a hit"

"we got a hit?"

"We got a hit!"

Footmousel

"Oh, hello mouse."

"Hello foot."

"I saw a mouse last wednesday next to Bucer's."

"I was in a car that ran over a mouse... three weeks earlier."

schizophrentic bloggers

"Jon, you should post on our blog more often, otherwise it makes it look like i'm the only one"

"or like you're a schizophrenic "

"oh man... seriously: Jon and Jon blogs"

"'I'm just two jons with a similar sense of humor.'"

"you know, schizophrenic is a pretty schizophrentic word"

Farmer's markets scare me

"You're the apple of my eye."

"You're the apple in my eye."

"You're the apple on my eye."

"You're the eye on my apple."

"Whoa man, that would be scary! It's like veggie tales, but more intense!"

"Like the circus!"

"What if fruit had eyes?"

"The fruit has eyes."

"What if fruit had organs? What if fruit had vestigial organs?"

"Fruit is a vestigial organ."

"Yeah, but it's delicious."

What is it could get stale?

This is the tale of the sale of the sail of the stale pale ale, in the pail of dale.

The end.

The President

"How is Obama like a blackberry?"

"He's black?"

"And he's sweet at first but has a bitter aftertaste."

It's been a crazy week and there's a loom on the horizon

"I feel dumber."

"Maybe you are. Maybe I took some of your smort and gave you some of my dumb."

"What if there was an allotted amount of smart in the world?"

"Whoa! So everytime someone dies, someone gets smarter?"

"Yeah! So that would mean we're immensely dumber than people were 300 years ago..."

"And Adam would have been brilliant. He could tell you what the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow would be--both African and European."

"'How many insects were there in the top foot of my yard last September 18, at 2:34 PM?' 'Well, I wasn't there, but, judging by the current wind speed, and the chemical makeup of the smoothie I had at lunch, 8,124,930 and three eighths. There were some unfinished bug meals.'"

"This seems to be an argument for genocide. Kill everyone, and you get uber smartness. Kinda like 'The One.'"

"What if it worked with animals and plants too? If you killed every bush in the world, except one, the remaining bush would become sentient!"

"It's like evolution, except opposite. The survivors become fittest."

Maybe the reason our society is progressing despite the population growth is because of aliens. As alien civilizations die out, we would inherit their grey matter. It's like an ant farm."

the joke post returns... briefly

"After losing once again, what did the fencer say to his leftovers?"

"Curses, foiled again!"





"hey look! there's the joke post!"

European

"David, you're up! ...like Europe!"

Net of Dinner

"My texts are always full of typos. And I just leave them in. I just sent a message to Dane that said, 'I sent you the d-mail.' I sent him a d-mail on the dinnernet. Who needs a table when you have a hammock?"

Humor with Sprinkles

"We have a unique sense of humor. Not a lot of people share it."

"Yes. If people could share it, it would be something concrete I think. Probably would come in a box."

"Box full of humor!"

"Kinda like pocket full of sunshine."

"Pocket full of sunshine! Sprinkle it with dew! Oh wait... those are two different songs."

"Man, if you sprinkled a pocket full of sunshine with dew, it would sizzle."

"I imagine a pocket full of sunshine would hurt a lot."

"You look like you've lost a lot of weight!"

"I know, my thighs are burning off!"

"The new diet product! Pocket full of sunshine! WARNING: Sprinkle with dew before using."

Spocknormous Spocktacles

"I thought I got an M. But then I got my grades. It turned my M upside down. Into a W. Like a turtle's frown."

"Would a turtle's smile be a W?"

"Only if you turned its head upside down. And then he'd have eyes on his chin."



"Man we never fail to look like fools when we come across this spock. I mean spot."

"I seem to come across Spock a lot. Hey Spock how's life? Good?! Awesome! Man I keep coming across you! It's ridiculous! I just came across you again!"

"My hobby is coming across Spock. I come across him all the time. There he is again."

"What a ridiculous spobby."

"I spnow man."

"Let's put 'sp' before speverything now."

"Spokay."

"Spree!"

"Spadow!"

"Spidewalk! Spiderwalk!"

"Spable Spennis."

"Spell Spone."

"Spoffee!"

"Spomputer!"

Harpoon Teeth

"It's funny how teeth can make someone look bad or good all on their own. Like, a guy could be super good looking, but if his teeth are screwed up, he looks like a freak."

"Yeah it never really happens with eyes. They can be big or small or slanted or whatever, but whatever they are, you can find some way to like them."

"And noses are never too much of a problem. Owen Wilson's nose looks like it got caught in the fridge 8 or 9 times, but he's still good looking."

"Yeah, unless you're Michael Jackson or Tycho Brahe. There's no redeeming those noses."

" Mouths are a little more problematic though. That guy on guitar hero is a complete freak."

"Oh man yeah! But it's not really his mouth. It's more his teeth. They look like harpoons. And his tongue is the whale."

"He was probably called "Harpoon Teeth" as a child on the playground. It hurt at first, but eventually he came to terms with it and adopted it as a nickname."

"Then he started a band. "Harpoon Teeth." He originally wanted it to be techno, but the name kinda limited it to metal."

"I just figured out what I want to do for a job. Write biographies for video game characters.

Shiny

"I don't shine if you don't shine!"

"I don't shine in the sunshine!"

"I shine in the moonshine!"

"Are you a werewolf?"

"No. Just an alchoholic."

"So you moonshine in the moonshine?"

"I'm a flourescent alchoholic."

Pet Names

"Hey look! It's Harrigan the Good Works Clam! He's a clam who hands out Easter eggs..."

"You look at tired as Leroy, the Lion of Slumber."

"Just like Gilgamesh the selfish shellfish."

"Rolling Ham, the Parapalegic Pig."