We Don't Know Enough About Peter Parker

"What do you call a heroic, creepy, web-slinging valet wearing red tights at a Greek restaurant in New York City?"

"Pita Parker."

Spuperman

"You look kind of like Clark Kent with those glasses on. Or maybe Peter Parker. I'm not sure which."

"Those are my alter egos. Sometimes I am Clark Kent; sometimes Peter Parker. I am Alter Ego Man!"

"Y'know, there's probably someone else out there who goes around as Spiderman."

"When disaster strikes, I enter a telephone booth as Spiderman, and emerge as Superman!"

"How do you do that?!"

"I'm like one of those plastic Easter eggs. Half of me is pink and the other half green."

"You're a Siamese twin?"

"Ha what if Spiderman and Superman were Siamese twins?"

"Only their legs would be allergic to kryptonite."

My Shoelaces Taste Funny

"Oh man, what if your fingers had taste buds?"

"That would be so gross. Shaking hands would be an experience."

"Salty. Yeah, there are so many things you touch that you don't want to taste. Dogs, lawn clippings, paper, basketballs, swimming pool water, your own face."

"You could wear flavored gloves though."

"Dentists actually have those."

"Oh gross. I would not want people sucking on my fingers."

Shoplifting Hairpieces

"Do I have to to pay?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you... don't have toupee."

"What, I don't have to pay? I had to pay yesterday!"

"No sir, you don't have toupee. In fact you're completely bald."