Neil "Wondercalves" Crompton, Champion Sprinter

"Man. Mcjagger's lips are like bananas moving on top of eachother."

"Like puppets!"

"On strings?"

"Yeah. Or maybe battery powered."

"Oh darn my lips are dead. Lemme change the battery really quick."

"What if every part of your body was electronic? Your leg really could fall asleep! Or maybe just die...."

"What if each part of your body was alive independently of you?"

"I would keep my subjects happy. Wouldn't want a revolt."

"Holy cow, man."

"Holy cow-man!"

"Cow-man and his sidekick wondercalf!"

"That sticks in my head."

"Like sticks."

"Or gum in your hard drive."

Helicopter mallet

"you're like a helicopter... you have struts."

"What? well... you're like a truck... you have a bed."

"you're like my computer- you have keys!"

"Ha! You're like a chair- you have cushions.... whoop, i meant to say legs."

"Ha! well, you're like glue- white and pasty!"

"and you're like a broken pencil- pointless"

"Yeah? well you're like habenjero hot sauce- tasteless and unbearable!"

"you're like a rubber mallet dipped in chocolate and dropped in a swimming pool... completely useless!"

"You're like an axe that's repeatedly hit against a rock. You get dull quickly."

"well... you're like... aw... I'm out of things to say..."

"like a broken teleprompter!"

Rolling like Violet Beauregarde

"This is going to be a stupid post."

"I run into stupid posts."


"I'm as tired as roadkill after a 72 hour day."

"I'm like butter. I'm on a roll."

"I'm like frosting. I'm on a cinnamon roll. Wait..."

"How is Absolom like a leaf? Both hang from trees."


"I'm kinda like a Garden gnome."

"Your abs are carved out of solid granite?"

"I exist."

Peachily Proverbial

"I am hungrily."

"Whoa you just made a predicate adverb out of an adjective."

"That I did."

"I'm feeling quite healthily today."

"I'm doing strongly."

"I'm strongly weekly."

"I'm daily weakly."

"I'm daily weakly strongly."

"I wonder if you could make the word 'ribald' into a predicate adverb. 'You look ribaldly this morning.'"

"Hi, I'm Ribaldly, I shave gourds for a living. I'm paid welly. We have the baldestly gourds in town. Most people don't even notice when I do my job. But they sure do when I don't..."

"I don't think you really could shave gourds."

"No, but you could shave peaches. They have fuzz."

"Man, every time I buy a peach it rots."

"In your hand?! Maybe that's your superpower."

"I am peach-rotting man! Hey there supervillain, if you were a peach, this would be you." *foosh*

"You'd need a sidekick to turn your enemies into peaches."

"Come, Peach boy, to the Peach Pit!"



"Man, your pits are rotten."

"I'm sorry."

Let's roll like a stone that gathers no moss.

"Man I used to be so short."

"Me too. I used to be all heights. Including 90 feet. They used to call me Paul Bunyan."

"I used to have 90 feet. They called me Tentacles. I used to tell people I was going to go for a run, and they'd say, 'good luck.'"

"I'm going to go for a crawl instead."

Onomatopoeia

Jon and I were walking along one day when we had a revelation. An epiphany. An explosion in our respective brains. What if every word was an onomatopoeia?

The Joke Post

"I went to a stand up comedy night the other day. The comedian got up and said, 'I feel funny.' We all laughed. That's when he had his stroke."


"Why is Friday night the best night to work in a bar?"

"Everybody is tipsy!"


What do you call a hic-up in South America? A hic down.

What do you call a hic-up in Australia? A hic down under.


What do you call a redneck when he gets up in the morning? A hick-up.

What do you call a shooting in South Dakota? A hick-down.

tie-tanium

"Man... they should make ties with tons of little ties on them"

"Tie ties!"

"Oh man yes! Tie ties... from thailand!!! So they'd be thai tie ties"

"Or how about tie-dye thai tie ties"

"that belong to Ty! Ty's tie-dye thai tie ties... that he ties..."

"Ty tries to tie Ty's tie-dye thai tie ties. Wow man...."

Burnitt

"'I don't do freezerburn,' he said with a sly look."

Spaghetti Pie

"I have 15 words left to write."

"That's good."

"No it's not. I don't have any Latin homework tonight. That's the good part. The 15 words is the bad part."

"Oh. Well that's not such a bad bad part then."

"It's like biting into pie and realizing it's spaghetti."

"Or like biting into pie and realizing it's pie."

"What if you had pi slices of pie?"

"You can't. No matter how small you slice a pie, each slice is still a slice. Slices come only in whole numbers."

"What if you sliced a slice sideways?"

"Still a slice."

"What if you sliced a slice so small that it was just crumbs?"

"Then you'd have a crumb topping for your pie."

Parallel Dwarves?

"There need to be some more dwarves. Like Dumpy."

"Or Prickly."

"Or Slouchy. The teenage dwarf."

"Or flabby."

"Hairy the dwarf."

"Noisy."

"Stumpy, the parapalegic dwarf."

"Dumpy, Prickly, Slouchy, Flabby Hairy, and Noisy, on arriving home find an albino turtle named Snow White doing their dishes."

Frame's Fingers

"Oh man, have you seen a picture of John Frame? He looks like a hippopotamus in a suit."

"Yeah he kinda does. But a jolly hippopotamus."

"I dunno man, there's jolly kinds of old men and there's non jolly kinds of old men."

"Yeah, but Frame looks super jolly."

"Awh man I saw a cool old man at the bagel place today. I just kept looking at him thinking, 'what a cool old guy.' He was there with his nice old wife and he was wearing an old man hat and old man slacks. What a cool guy."

"Yeah I like old men. Have you met my grandpa? He pretty much embodies 'jolly.' He'll just come over and chuckle and poke jokes. And he's missing a finger. Which he's kinda happy about, cuz it makes pottery a lot easier."

"I want to be missing a finger. It would be such a great conversation starter. 'So... I'm missing a finger.'"

"Whoa! What if your fingers were switched with your toes?!"

"Imagine pointing at something or brushing your teeth or typing a paper!"

"Of course, you could probably just do that with your feet."

Awkwasocks

"Hey guess what day it is! Awkward day!"

"Really? Hey... guess what... I've got seven toes."

"And they all have hangnails..."

"It takes me 3 hours to put on my socks in the morning."

Terminal Cancer

"I have a tumor the size of a grapefruit. But it turned out to just be a grapefruit."

"I have a grapefruit lodged in my spleen!"

"How'd it get there?"

"I didn't chew."

The Patch

"I like these people."

"Your fingers are not people."

"Yes they are... this one's Thompson, this one's named... Nicorette."

"I met a Nicorette today."

eh?

"a raise in elevation"

"raisin elevation!"

This Metaphor is a Goose

"Man, metaphors freak me out. Listen to this: 'During the final exam several students went down in flames.'"

"So?"

"So did they or not? They're so easy to misunderstand! Like, is 'the question of Federal aid to parochial schools' literally 'a bramble patch?'"

"My feet are ice cubes."

"You are the sun in my sky."

"I broke a sweat."

"He extended the warm hand of friendship."

"He sneezed up a storm."

"Your eyes are butterflies."

"I am a rock."

"My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of Engedi."

"I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys."

"Thy teeth are a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them."

"Pretty much anything from Song of Solomon."

"Yeah."

first eye blind

"In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king."
-Erasmus

"In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is blind."
-Us

Structured Snail Tickling

"Gee whiz, Nelson, the internet's as slow as a slug on drugs."

"Maybe David's watching something."

"He left."

"Maybe Anthony's watching something."

"He left."

"Maybe Steve's watching something."

"He... Oh yeah, he's here."

"Or maybe Melinda is watching dancing with the stars."

"Melinda is dancing with the stars."

"Melinda is Jupiter."

"Whoa! The whole universe is in a dance! Isn't it crazy how everything outside the earth is so structured?! The earth takes 365 days to go around the Sun, the entire galaxy is spinning in perfect tempo with the rest of the universe! On the subatomic level, too! Every particle within an atom is perfectly balanced and spaced; every atom is placed according to need, every part of a cell performing its function with exactitude to form a healthy cell, one in a billion cells, all working forward for the good of the body."

"And the body is a mess. Like, scratching my ear isn't very structured, is it?"

"How do you know? It could be structured in an incredibly subtle, sophisticated and poetic way. Whoa! What if you could use scratching yourself as a mnemonic device? Scratch memory!"

"We should write a book on it! 'I went through Harvard using scratch memory'"

"'You should've seen me present my thesis! I was fidgeting like a hypochondriac covered in moldy pastries.' man it would be hard to remember where to itch every time you needed to remember something."

"Just work from the top down. 'the hair... the nose... the armpit..."

"You could use it to help you present a topic on various body parts. Whoa that's weird, I just had a flashback to when I was five and we found some snails in a tree."

Signy?

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

What's grey and rocky?

A rock!

What's tall and signy?

A 7 foot tall deaf mute!

Construction of the Gazebo

"I was in mountain view park yesterday. I walked all the way out there to play airsoft, and nobody showed up! So I walked home past the playground. That's such a cool playground!"

"Ohhh man I know! Like that treehouse thing? Awesome!"

"Treehouse? I didn't think there was a treehouse there..."

"Well it's kinda a treehouse without a tree."

"Wouldn't that be just a house?"

"Whoaa a tree house without a tree is a regular house! I live in a treehouse without the tree! Where do you live?!"

"In a treehouse without a house! Wait... tree.... hmm... wouldn't a treehouse without a tree just be a gazebo?"

"What's a gazebo?"

"And so I guess a gazebo in a tree would be a high gazebo..."

"High Gazebo!"

"High Gazebo!"

"High Gazebo!"

"It's like a high five, but with gazebos!"

"Imagine if two gazebos got flung at eachother!"

"No one would live..."