Where's My Wearwithal?

“Wherewithal is a great word. It can mean anything. Courage, weakness, concentration, distractiveness, hunger, length of limbs, golf clubs.”

“I lack the wherewithal to golf for all these reasons.”

“Wherewithal could be another name for a hat, too. A Wearwithal.”

“Sorry. I can't do it. I don't have the Wearwithal.”

I Strike Myself as a Bad Boxer

“I don't strike myself as a sarcastic person. Sometimes I strike myself, but not as a sarcastic person.”

This is a Stickup

“You know, if you were buried under a bank, you'd be holding it up all the time. You would be a perpetual bank robber.”

Pocket Jam

“I can't stop thinking about potatoes.”

“Well stop. Think about a pocket knife covered in strawberry ja-.”

“Potato.”

“Stop. Put it in your pipe and smoke it.”

“I can't.”

“Why not?”

“Cuz she's so hiiiiighhhh above me...”

“Is that going to be your response to everything now?”

“Only if you're being ridiculous.”

Hanging by a Gnuse

“Did you check out the gnu'spaper?”

“Yeah, they're putting in a gnu swimming pool.”

“Cool, as long as they're not allowing any gnudity.”

“Yeah, definitely not. All that gnu hair would clog the drains.”

“Like gnudles in a colander.”

“Would probably take gnuclear weapons to unclog 'em.”

“Here's to a gnu world order.”

Stroganberkhof

“I'm not really a huge fan of John Frame. But he's better than Berkhof.”

“Cold soup's better than Berkhof.”

“Everything's better than Berkhof.”

“Except cold soup with Berkhof.”

“Sounds like a German dish. Berkhof with noodles.”

“Stroganberkhof.”

Bagface

“I'm so tired! Do I have huge bags under my eyes?!”

“No.”

“Oh. I'm disappointed. But I just got the urge to tape garbage bags to my eyes. People would say, 'dude, you have huge bags under your eyes' and I would say, 'yeah I was up really late last night...taping these to my eyes.”

Accidentistry

“Accidentistry—if in doubt, rip it out.”

Friendly Fire

Paint, Pig, Paint

“That hand motion makes it look like you're shaking a gallon of paint.”

“A pig?”

“Yes. And you're telling it to get back to work. No! Paint!”

Popcorn Grandma

Seen on a Rosauer's readerboard:

“Fresh!

Baked!

Grandma!

Dinner!

Rolls.”



“Jiffy

Corn

Muffin Mix!”

“Makes me think of popcorn muffins.”

"They'd have to be some pretty big kernels."

Have You Ever Actually Heard of Anyone Dying From a Lightning Strike?

“Soul sucking surge protector sandals.”

“You could get struck by lightning and survive.”

“All that would happen is your sandals would explode.”

High as a Kite Tops

"This food must be laced with something, like arsenic or lead. I'm not feeling too well."

"Yeeessss. It's laced with DOILIES!"

"Ah that explains it."

"And my shoes are laced with LACES!"

You Guys Sounded Super Good

"ἑμποδίζει σεαυτόν"

"Why'd you say that?"

"It's the only thing I could think of."

"You could say that about anything."

"Nose sweater."

"Potato shoes."

"Totem toes."

"Why'd you say that?"

"It's the only thing I could think of!"

"What do you call a lot of Polish people standing on eachothers' heads?"

"Totem poles!"

Gheedle Gheedle Gheedle

"I want some darned fresh fruit!"

"Youuu can't darn fruit."

"I'm good with a needle."

"Maybe the needle is good with you. Do you guide the needle or does the naid gheedle you?"

Lip Spaghetti

"Aw man, I think I might start having to shave every day. And I still can't grow a real mustache."

"It's ok, you will learn."

"How do you grow a mustache?"

"Step 1: knead dough until firm. Or just push really hard."

"Eurrrrgh!" *Foop* "It worked!"

Antibacterial Handpasta

"So I was thinking about awkward today. Turns out it's all in the legs. If someone complimented your shirt, you'd think 'oh, okay.' If they complimented your pants, you'd wonder... It's like, if someone said, 'You have nice hands,' it would be fine. But it would be weird to say, 'I like your knees...'"

"I dunno--I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with people complimenting my hands. What would you say? 'Thanks. I brush regularly.'?"

"Handpaste. Gross."

"Nosepaste!"

"Just be careful not to use anti-cavity paste."

"It filled in my nostrils!"

Gun Belt

"My belt picks up the slacks."

"My suspenders pick up slacks."

"Servants pick up my slacks."

"But who would pick up their slacks?"

"It would be a never-ending conga line."

"And the end of civilization as we know it. Everyone would have their hands full just trying to keep their pants up."

"Y'know, belts don't really pick up slacks. They really just hold them up."

"This is it, slacks, I'm holding you up--open up your drawers and give me all your cash."

Sleepwalkin'

The High Gazebo is back! After a month and a half of dealing shrewdly with fish on a barge in Alaska, we are back in one piece, missing a grand total of no limbs. While there, Staab developed several talents, sleepwalking among them. What follows is a dramatization.

One night I was asleep, as I should be, and I suddenly woke my roommates with a bang on the wall, and a "let me out!" I was dreaming that I was asleep inside an empty box designed to hold a thousand pounds of fish (we called them "totes"), like those we used on the production floor. With no warning, I jumped off my top bunk, tore the sheets off my bed and threw them onto Jon, who was sleeping below me. Then I started rummaging through the stuff on the bookshelf, finally picking up an ipod. I said, "What the heck?" And Stephen, behind me asked me groggily, "Staab, what are you doing?" I replied, "Stephen, you're in here too?" It was then I realized I was completely out of my mind.

A couple days later, I again jumped down from my bed, with no warning, turned to Jon, and, pointing at the bookshelf asked him,
"Who's working here?"
"What?"
"Who's putting fish here?"
"Oh, that's me."
"Um... there's no one putting fish here."
"Oh. Yeah, sorry."
"Ugh. What? Me and my stupid hallucinations. I'm going to bed."
And I went to bed.

One night, George was lying in his bunk, reading, and I sat straight up and told him,
"George! This is the wrong tote!"
He decided to mess with me, so he said,
"No Jon. It's the right tote."
I looked at him disgustedly and said,
"No, it's the WRONG tote...ugh. I'm going to bed."

Finally, the day before we left the barge, I sat up in bed and started calmly arranging my sheets sideways to hang off my bed. Stephen asked,
"Staab, what are you doing?"
"I'm putting my sheets sideways so I can cut them in half with the forklift."
"Wouldn't scissors be easier?"
"No... do you have some?"
"No."
A little later, I told him,
"Hey! I just made shoes out of fish!"
"Staab, you can't make shoes out of fish."
"Yes you can Stephen. You just strap two fish together, and them put them on your feet."
At one point, I referenced something I termed the "pile of Steve." He justly took issue with this as being completely nonsensical, but I thought I was coherent, so I looked at him impatiently, and said, "It's metonymy."


Anyway, it was something I'd never done before and I thought it was hilarious to hear the crazy stories about things I'd said after I woke up. So I thought I'd share it with you.

We Don't Know Enough About Peter Parker

"What do you call a heroic, creepy, web-slinging valet wearing red tights at a Greek restaurant in New York City?"

"Pita Parker."

Spuperman

"You look kind of like Clark Kent with those glasses on. Or maybe Peter Parker. I'm not sure which."

"Those are my alter egos. Sometimes I am Clark Kent; sometimes Peter Parker. I am Alter Ego Man!"

"Y'know, there's probably someone else out there who goes around as Spiderman."

"When disaster strikes, I enter a telephone booth as Spiderman, and emerge as Superman!"

"How do you do that?!"

"I'm like one of those plastic Easter eggs. Half of me is pink and the other half green."

"You're a Siamese twin?"

"Ha what if Spiderman and Superman were Siamese twins?"

"Only their legs would be allergic to kryptonite."

My Shoelaces Taste Funny

"Oh man, what if your fingers had taste buds?"

"That would be so gross. Shaking hands would be an experience."

"Salty. Yeah, there are so many things you touch that you don't want to taste. Dogs, lawn clippings, paper, basketballs, swimming pool water, your own face."

"You could wear flavored gloves though."

"Dentists actually have those."

"Oh gross. I would not want people sucking on my fingers."

Shoplifting Hairpieces

"Do I have to to pay?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you... don't have toupee."

"What, I don't have to pay? I had to pay yesterday!"

"No sir, you don't have toupee. In fact you're completely bald."

Elvis Was White

"Hey, check out my new dance! I call it the cardboard box."

"Break it down."

-----

"Wait...Wait...wait for it... Double-decker bicycle."

Make Like a Chinese Thief and Take a Wok

"Hi, can I make like Chaos and take your order?"

"No pressure, just make like video games and take your time."

"Make like a centaur and take umbrage?"

"Make like a real estate agent and take your place."

I Willn't Dump Stir... Fry

"Do not play in on or around the dumpster."

"Also, do not play between, among, under, or behind the dumpster."

"Do not play through the dumpster."

"Do not play with the dumpster."

"Do not play without the dumpster."

"Do not play against the dumpster."

"Do not provoke the dumpster."

"Do not tease the dumpster."

"Do not misunderstand the dumpster."

"Do not befriend the dumpster."

"Do not invite the dumpster over for dinner."

"Do not ask the dumpster for directions."

"Do not make eye contact with the dumpster."

A Punch in the Gills

"Commas are important. They can change a lot. For example: Tickle me, Elmo."

-----

"Hello. I'm your great grandfather... Clock."

"Did you hear? Grandfather clock had a stroke!"

-----

"Y'know, the prefix 'be' means 'taken off' when you're saying 'beheaded,' but it doesn't really work in any other circumstance. Like betrothed."

"I've lost my trothe! Or besmirched."

"Someone stole my smirch! Or benighted."

"Nope, not yours. Betrayed."

"The waiter came and took my tray. It was then I realized--I had been betrayed."

-----

"Brilliant deduction."

"Yes, let me show you de duck shun. Duck, get away. You deserve naught but misery."

-----

"See that constellation? Yeah that's the Double Dipper. Also known as Jerkos Major. Son, never be like him."

Swollen Presence

"Staab, you're still here?"

"Yes. I think I'm sick."

"You have stay-here-itis."

"The swelling of the stay here."

"That actually makes perfect sense.

Unique New York

"I always end up saying 'unique Yew Nork.'"

"Sounds like a moral at the end of a story. 'If you Neek, you nork."

"Isn't there something called a nark?"

"Yeah. Like a Narcoleptics Officer."

"...State Farm is there."

Sheep Talking

"I was falling asleep just now, and when I opened my eyes, I thought Mr. Schlect was walking around carrying a half empty pie pan."

Desirable Runnnings

Christian: "Coolness is basically being in a desirable state, right?"

"Yeah, that's why I like you. You're in such a desirable state."

"Why yes I am. I'm very desirable."

"You know what else? It's fairly desirable outside today."

"I had to put on a coat this morning because the weather was so desirable."

"You can go ahead and put the drinks in the desirable-er."

"The desirablator."

"The desirabilitator."

"Desirable beans."

Inntertuba

"You need to get in touch with your inntertube."

"My central vacuole?! I'm under a lot of pressure!"

"What?! Contractile vacuole?!"

"SPLEURGH!"

"Whelp, there's my lunch."

The Way of Curds

The conflict presently going on in the Middle East may be considered, in part, a war between the Kurds and the American Whey.