Neil "Wondercalves" Crompton, Champion Sprinter

"Man. Mcjagger's lips are like bananas moving on top of eachother."

"Like puppets!"

"On strings?"

"Yeah. Or maybe battery powered."

"Oh darn my lips are dead. Lemme change the battery really quick."

"What if every part of your body was electronic? Your leg really could fall asleep! Or maybe just die...."

"What if each part of your body was alive independently of you?"

"I would keep my subjects happy. Wouldn't want a revolt."

"Holy cow, man."

"Holy cow-man!"

"Cow-man and his sidekick wondercalf!"

"That sticks in my head."

"Like sticks."

"Or gum in your hard drive."

Helicopter mallet

"you're like a helicopter... you have struts."

"What? well... you're like a truck... you have a bed."

"you're like my computer- you have keys!"

"Ha! You're like a chair- you have cushions.... whoop, i meant to say legs."

"Ha! well, you're like glue- white and pasty!"

"and you're like a broken pencil- pointless"

"Yeah? well you're like habenjero hot sauce- tasteless and unbearable!"

"you're like a rubber mallet dipped in chocolate and dropped in a swimming pool... completely useless!"

"You're like an axe that's repeatedly hit against a rock. You get dull quickly."

"well... you're like... aw... I'm out of things to say..."

"like a broken teleprompter!"

Rolling like Violet Beauregarde

"This is going to be a stupid post."

"I run into stupid posts."


"I'm as tired as roadkill after a 72 hour day."

"I'm like butter. I'm on a roll."

"I'm like frosting. I'm on a cinnamon roll. Wait..."

"How is Absolom like a leaf? Both hang from trees."


"I'm kinda like a Garden gnome."

"Your abs are carved out of solid granite?"

"I exist."

Peachily Proverbial

"I am hungrily."

"Whoa you just made a predicate adverb out of an adjective."

"That I did."

"I'm feeling quite healthily today."

"I'm doing strongly."

"I'm strongly weekly."

"I'm daily weakly."

"I'm daily weakly strongly."

"I wonder if you could make the word 'ribald' into a predicate adverb. 'You look ribaldly this morning.'"

"Hi, I'm Ribaldly, I shave gourds for a living. I'm paid welly. We have the baldestly gourds in town. Most people don't even notice when I do my job. But they sure do when I don't..."

"I don't think you really could shave gourds."

"No, but you could shave peaches. They have fuzz."

"Man, every time I buy a peach it rots."

"In your hand?! Maybe that's your superpower."

"I am peach-rotting man! Hey there supervillain, if you were a peach, this would be you." *foosh*

"You'd need a sidekick to turn your enemies into peaches."

"Come, Peach boy, to the Peach Pit!"



"Man, your pits are rotten."

"I'm sorry."

Let's roll like a stone that gathers no moss.

"Man I used to be so short."

"Me too. I used to be all heights. Including 90 feet. They used to call me Paul Bunyan."

"I used to have 90 feet. They called me Tentacles. I used to tell people I was going to go for a run, and they'd say, 'good luck.'"

"I'm going to go for a crawl instead."

Onomatopoeia

Jon and I were walking along one day when we had a revelation. An epiphany. An explosion in our respective brains. What if every word was an onomatopoeia?

The Joke Post

"I went to a stand up comedy night the other day. The comedian got up and said, 'I feel funny.' We all laughed. That's when he had his stroke."


"Why is Friday night the best night to work in a bar?"

"Everybody is tipsy!"


What do you call a hic-up in South America? A hic down.

What do you call a hic-up in Australia? A hic down under.


What do you call a redneck when he gets up in the morning? A hick-up.

What do you call a shooting in South Dakota? A hick-down.