He's a Poooooor Man!

"I sweat money, but I'm still a pore man."

So That's Where They Went...

"My chin hairs are like owls. They're few and far between, and there are only about two in Moscow."

"There are three that live in our yard. They were playing badminton yesterday."

Weirder Than a Box of Inside-Out Coconuts

"That chimney has a wierd shadow. It's triangular."

"Batman 3: Triangular Shadow."

"Batman 4: Squarish-Shaped Shadow."

"Batman 5: Pentagonal Shaped Shadow."

"Batman 6: Robin goes to boarding school!"

"While Batman gets progressively fatter."

"Vigilantes need donuts too."

"Vigilante Donuts!"

"You could make a whole line of vigilante gear. They already have Batman underwear. Vigilante toilet brush. Vigilante kitchen knife set. Vigilante water--bottled at the source. Vigilante fruit snacks."

"Man I really want to start a line of fruit snacks. Freddy VS Jason fruit snacks..."

"Why are these all red?"

"In my neighborhood, everything is cherry flavored."

"Bad role model fruit snacks. Berry Britney Spears! Lime Lindsey Lohan!"

"Leonidas fruit snacks."

"THIS IS PINEAPPLE!!!"

Stoking a Gas Stove

"Y'know, I love my teachers. I'm stoked about my teachers. It's true. I'm stoked. And you know who I think of everytime I hear that word, 'stoked?' That's right. Mr. Grieser."

Deer With Big Ears

"I bet Amelia Earhart's ear hurt. Because of the altitude..."

Bovine Waitress

"When it comes to cows, I'm a good tipper."

Jewish Demi-god of Witty Pigs

Charles, Jon and I were walking along one evening.

"Hm I really want to do some hand springs."

"You can make water come from your hands!?"

"Doh ho ho ho ho!"

"Staab, you are a god of wit."

"Or maybe just a demi-god of wit."

"Or the son of a demi-god of wit."

"Or the cousin of a son of a demi-god of wit."

"I have the scent of wit, thrice removed. I touched something that touched something that smelled like wit."

"Kosher wit!"

"Not quite. More like funny pigs."

Blindosaurs

"Ding da ding da ding da ding! Well today Christian told me something cool. Ding da ding da ding da ding! Something about dinosaurs. Ding da ding da ding da ding! Apparently, they have a little something called brain knobs; Ding da ding da ding da ding! These little bundles of nerves (a good band name I imagine); Ding da ding da ding da ding! Are located in the knees of dinosaurs: Ding da ding da ding da ding! And they, essentially, are reseivoirs of reaction, Ding da ding da ding da ding!"

"Stoked about that ukelele aren't ya?"

"Yeah! But isn't that weird? Like, what if your brain was in your knees? Or you had multiple brains?"

"You could get a stroke in your left knee. Then your left knee would be really stupid."

"You could get punched in the face and just stand there for a few seconds wondering what just happened."

"But I imagine you'd be pretty good at soccer."

"Dude, your eyes are in your face."

"Yeah but your feet are on your feet."

"Your brain being near your feet would only help blind soccer players... playing with other blind soccer players."

"There would be no end to the carnage."

Deep Fried Eggs

"What do you call a family of young dogs living in a dumpster?"

"A litter of puppies!"

Zebra Stamps

"Jon, could you tell me what you think of my declamation?"

"Sure."

"..."

"It's great."

"I haven't gone yet."

"Yes, but I do know it's white with black on it. Like a dyslexic zebra sat on it. Or maybe it was an albino zebra who had been wandering through the desert when a lost writer who could only read and write backwards wrote your declamation on it who sat on what is now your declamation."

"Maybe."

Creepy Carpenter

"What do you call a creepy farmer?"

"A stalker!"

-----

"What do you call a Seventh-Day-Adventist carpenter?"

"A Tin Roof Sunday!"

Birch Tree (W)Rap

"Y'know, I never really got why everyone thinks trees look like old men. They look more like young people to me, reaching up."

"And they're all holding hands."

"Maybe the wind blew their hair and someone happened to have some hairspray on hand."

"What's blue and white?"

"Eminem in Antarctica."

Laughless, Legless, Loveless

"Did you know that the average person laughs 13 times per day?"

"Whoa. I bet you can't keep from laughing 13 times the rest of the night."

"You're on."

"What's brown and sticky?"

"Haha. Oops that's one. Heh. Oh dang hahaha. Oh. Haha. Aw man! Hehehe darn it. That's five..."

Emoridgidoo

"I had an interesting mental image the other day. An emo aboriginal playing music on his didgeridoo."

He's Short--He Deserves to Be Pushed Over

"Why is there a higher mortality rate among skydiving midgets?"

"They have 3 feet farther to fall."

Flip Flop Flip

"What do you call flip flops for a person with two left feet?"

"Flip flips?"

"No, flop flops. Flip flips are for people with two right feet. Right feet are more dextrous. If you have two left feet you're more likely to flop."

Tectonic Carrots

"What is orange and three feet tall?"

"A Leprechaun that ate too many carrots!"





"What does a clumsy waiter carry food on?"

"Tectonic plates!"

clickity bang

"i think it's just a one round game"

"like russian roulette!"