Spuperman

"You look kind of like Clark Kent with those glasses on. Or maybe Peter Parker. I'm not sure which."

"Those are my alter egos. Sometimes I am Clark Kent; sometimes Peter Parker. I am Alter Ego Man!"

"Y'know, there's probably someone else out there who goes around as Spiderman."

"When disaster strikes, I enter a telephone booth as Spiderman, and emerge as Superman!"

"How do you do that?!"

"I'm like one of those plastic Easter eggs. Half of me is pink and the other half green."

"You're a Siamese twin?"

"Ha what if Spiderman and Superman were Siamese twins?"

"Only their legs would be allergic to kryptonite."

My Shoelaces Taste Funny

"Oh man, what if your fingers had taste buds?"

"That would be so gross. Shaking hands would be an experience."

"Salty. Yeah, there are so many things you touch that you don't want to taste. Dogs, lawn clippings, paper, basketballs, swimming pool water, your own face."

"You could wear flavored gloves though."

"Dentists actually have those."

"Oh gross. I would not want people sucking on my fingers."

Shoplifting Hairpieces

"Do I have to to pay?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you... don't have toupee."

"What, I don't have to pay? I had to pay yesterday!"

"No sir, you don't have toupee. In fact you're completely bald."

Elvis Was White

"Hey, check out my new dance! I call it the cardboard box."

"Break it down."

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"Wait...Wait...wait for it... Double-decker bicycle."

Make Like a Chinese Thief and Take a Wok

"Hi, can I make like Chaos and take your order?"

"No pressure, just make like video games and take your time."

"Make like a centaur and take umbrage?"

"Make like a real estate agent and take your place."

I Willn't Dump Stir... Fry

"Do not play in on or around the dumpster."

"Also, do not play between, among, under, or behind the dumpster."

"Do not play through the dumpster."

"Do not play with the dumpster."

"Do not play without the dumpster."

"Do not play against the dumpster."

"Do not provoke the dumpster."

"Do not tease the dumpster."

"Do not misunderstand the dumpster."

"Do not befriend the dumpster."

"Do not invite the dumpster over for dinner."

"Do not ask the dumpster for directions."

"Do not make eye contact with the dumpster."

A Punch in the Gills

"Commas are important. They can change a lot. For example: Tickle me, Elmo."

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"Hello. I'm your great grandfather... Clock."

"Did you hear? Grandfather clock had a stroke!"

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"Y'know, the prefix 'be' means 'taken off' when you're saying 'beheaded,' but it doesn't really work in any other circumstance. Like betrothed."

"I've lost my trothe! Or besmirched."

"Someone stole my smirch! Or benighted."

"Nope, not yours. Betrayed."

"The waiter came and took my tray. It was then I realized--I had been betrayed."

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"Brilliant deduction."

"Yes, let me show you de duck shun. Duck, get away. You deserve naught but misery."

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"See that constellation? Yeah that's the Double Dipper. Also known as Jerkos Major. Son, never be like him."