Antibacterial Handpasta

"So I was thinking about awkward today. Turns out it's all in the legs. If someone complimented your shirt, you'd think 'oh, okay.' If they complimented your pants, you'd wonder... It's like, if someone said, 'You have nice hands,' it would be fine. But it would be weird to say, 'I like your knees...'"

"I dunno--I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with people complimenting my hands. What would you say? 'Thanks. I brush regularly.'?"

"Handpaste. Gross."

"Nosepaste!"

"Just be careful not to use anti-cavity paste."

"It filled in my nostrils!"

Davy Jones' Organs Are Just Like Ours

"Davy Jones."

"Hm?"

"That's what it says on that canoe over there."

"Boy am I glad I'm not sitting in there..."

"Why does this canoe have a hole in the bottom and lead bricks pasted to the inside?"

"It's the ferry to Davy Jones' Locker."

"I wonder if he locks his locker?"

"Probably not. I mean, it's at the bottom of the sea."

"That's a good point. It probably is too rusted out to lock anyway."

"Maybe Davy Jones isn't actually a fearsome pirate. Maybe he's just a purveyor of faulty goods."

"Davy Jones' facewash! WARNING: YOU MAY SPROUT TENTACLES OUT THE FACE."

"Davy Jones' cutoff jeans! We make them WHILE you're wearing them! Free peg leg with every pair."

"Davy Jones' pirate hooks! That's probably where awkward pirates come from."

"Davy Jones' poop deck! Just like how it sounds."

"Davy Jones' body piercing. Gangrene guaranteed."

"Davy Jones' scurvy tablets! Each one filled with a vitamin C rich mixture of old toothpaste and sawdust."

"Davy Jones' gold teeth. They're really just corn seeds."

"Boy. THAT'S awkward."

Awkwasocks

"Hey guess what day it is! Awkward day!"

"Really? Hey... guess what... I've got seven toes."

"And they all have hangnails..."

"It takes me 3 hours to put on my socks in the morning."