Beef, Elk River Falls, and Bruce Willis

"If only we had a sun roof."

"Do you have a sun roof?"

"Yes, this is my son, Roof."

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"Hmmm possession of stolen goods. Why do they always call them goods? Why not bads?"

"What would that be? 'Hey! You stole my moldy bagels! But that's okay.'"

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"You know how, whenever you get lyposuction-"

"Which happens a lot."

"You're all saggy?"

"Sure."

"You could say, "My midriff is adrift!"

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"So much peer pressure my ears are popping!"

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"I just realized--every time you close your phone, you're flipping it off!"

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Stephen: "Lemme show you this song. Track number 8."

"Numero Octopus."

"What is wrong with your cat?!!?"

"Hah what do you call siamese twin cats?"

"An Octopus!"

"If I ever get a siamese cat, I'm calling it Octopus."

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"Isn't there something you can touch a leech with and it'll release it's grip?"

"Yeah I think it's bananas."

"My Kryptonite is BANANAS."

"What would happen if a leech bit a vampire?"

"It would turn into a leech, of course."

"WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!?!?"

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"I'm getting moo-tion sick. Like an ostracized cow."

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STRUM STRUM

"This is a huge guitar. The top string is by my face, the bottom one at my ankles."

"Imagine trying to play chords! You could use your hands to press the frets and your feet to strum!"

"Except for 3 string chords you'd have to use your face."

"I really want to make a giant face ukelele now."

"Face ukelele! You could strum with your nose!"

"You could recognize face ukelele players by the calluses on their noses."

"I see you play the ukelele."

"Why yes I do."

"There could be a whole line of face instruments. Like bongos. for the face."

"Fongo!"

"Fango!"

"Sounds like an Australian animal."

"Or the sound a banjo makes."

Kick You With Mah Shotgun

"I just thought of something! If you kicked someone's donkey in the nose, you could say, 'I just kicked your ass in the face!"

So That's Where They Went...

"My chin hairs are like owls. They're few and far between, and there are only about two in Moscow."

"There are three that live in our yard. They were playing badminton yesterday."

Blindosaurs

"Ding da ding da ding da ding! Well today Christian told me something cool. Ding da ding da ding da ding! Something about dinosaurs. Ding da ding da ding da ding! Apparently, they have a little something called brain knobs; Ding da ding da ding da ding! These little bundles of nerves (a good band name I imagine); Ding da ding da ding da ding! Are located in the knees of dinosaurs: Ding da ding da ding da ding! And they, essentially, are reseivoirs of reaction, Ding da ding da ding da ding!"

"Stoked about that ukelele aren't ya?"

"Yeah! But isn't that weird? Like, what if your brain was in your knees? Or you had multiple brains?"

"You could get a stroke in your left knee. Then your left knee would be really stupid."

"You could get punched in the face and just stand there for a few seconds wondering what just happened."

"But I imagine you'd be pretty good at soccer."

"Dude, your eyes are in your face."

"Yeah but your feet are on your feet."

"Your brain being near your feet would only help blind soccer players... playing with other blind soccer players."

"There would be no end to the carnage."

Harpoon Teeth

"It's funny how teeth can make someone look bad or good all on their own. Like, a guy could be super good looking, but if his teeth are screwed up, he looks like a freak."

"Yeah it never really happens with eyes. They can be big or small or slanted or whatever, but whatever they are, you can find some way to like them."

"And noses are never too much of a problem. Owen Wilson's nose looks like it got caught in the fridge 8 or 9 times, but he's still good looking."

"Yeah, unless you're Michael Jackson or Tycho Brahe. There's no redeeming those noses."

" Mouths are a little more problematic though. That guy on guitar hero is a complete freak."

"Oh man yeah! But it's not really his mouth. It's more his teeth. They look like harpoons. And his tongue is the whale."

"He was probably called "Harpoon Teeth" as a child on the playground. It hurt at first, but eventually he came to terms with it and adopted it as a nickname."

"Then he started a band. "Harpoon Teeth." He originally wanted it to be techno, but the name kinda limited it to metal."

"I just figured out what I want to do for a job. Write biographies for video game characters.