Where's My Wearwithal?

“Wherewithal is a great word. It can mean anything. Courage, weakness, concentration, distractiveness, hunger, length of limbs, golf clubs.”

“I lack the wherewithal to golf for all these reasons.”

“Wherewithal could be another name for a hat, too. A Wearwithal.”

“Sorry. I can't do it. I don't have the Wearwithal.”

I Strike Myself as a Bad Boxer

“I don't strike myself as a sarcastic person. Sometimes I strike myself, but not as a sarcastic person.”

This is a Stickup

“You know, if you were buried under a bank, you'd be holding it up all the time. You would be a perpetual bank robber.”

Pocket Jam

“I can't stop thinking about potatoes.”

“Well stop. Think about a pocket knife covered in strawberry ja-.”

“Potato.”

“Stop. Put it in your pipe and smoke it.”

“I can't.”

“Why not?”

“Cuz she's so hiiiiighhhh above me...”

“Is that going to be your response to everything now?”

“Only if you're being ridiculous.”

Hanging by a Gnuse

“Did you check out the gnu'spaper?”

“Yeah, they're putting in a gnu swimming pool.”

“Cool, as long as they're not allowing any gnudity.”

“Yeah, definitely not. All that gnu hair would clog the drains.”

“Like gnudles in a colander.”

“Would probably take gnuclear weapons to unclog 'em.”

“Here's to a gnu world order.”

Stroganberkhof

“I'm not really a huge fan of John Frame. But he's better than Berkhof.”

“Cold soup's better than Berkhof.”

“Everything's better than Berkhof.”

“Except cold soup with Berkhof.”

“Sounds like a German dish. Berkhof with noodles.”

“Stroganberkhof.”

Bagface

“I'm so tired! Do I have huge bags under my eyes?!”

“No.”

“Oh. I'm disappointed. But I just got the urge to tape garbage bags to my eyes. People would say, 'dude, you have huge bags under your eyes' and I would say, 'yeah I was up really late last night...taping these to my eyes.”