The High Gazebo

Where's My Wearwithal?

2010-10-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

“Wherewithal is a great word. It can mean anything. Courage, weakness, concentration, distractiveness, hunger, length of limbs, golf clubs.”

“I lack the wherewithal to golf for all these reasons.”

“Wherewithal could be another name for a hat, too. A Wearwithal.”

“Sorry. I can't do it. I don't have the Wearwithal.”

I Strike Myself as a Bad Boxer

2010-10-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

“I don't strike myself as a sarcastic person. Sometimes I strike myself, but not as a sarcastic person.”

This is a Stickup

2010-10-20T20:57:00.001-07:00

“You know, if you were buried under a bank, you'd be holding it up all the time. You would be a perpetual bank robber.”

Pocket Jam

2010-10-08T22:02:00.000-07:00

“I can't stop thinking about potatoes.”

“Well stop. Think about a pocket knife covered in strawberry ja-.”

“Potato.”

“Stop. Put it in your pipe and smoke it.”

“I can't.”

“Why not?”

“Cuz she's so hiiiiighhhh above me...”

“Is that going to be your response to everything now?”

“Only if you're being ridiculous.”

Hanging by a Gnuse

2010-10-07T23:26:00.000-07:00

“Did you check out the gnu'spaper?”

“Yeah, they're putting in a gnu swimming pool.”

“Cool, as long as they're not allowing any gnudity.”

“Yeah, definitely not. All that gnu hair would clog the drains.”

“Like gnudles in a colander.”

“Would probably take gnuclear weapons to unclog 'em.”

“Here's to a gnu world order.”

Stroganberkhof

2010-10-05T20:45:00.000-07:00

“I'm not really a huge fan of John Frame. But he's better than Berkhof.”

“Cold soup's better than Berkhof.”

“Everything's better than Berkhof.”

“Except cold soup with Berkhof.”

“Sounds like a German dish. Berkhof with noodles.”

“Stroganberkhof.”

Bagface

2010-10-04T07:10:00.000-07:00

“I'm so tired! Do I have huge bags under my eyes?!”

“No.”

“Oh. I'm disappointed. But I just got the urge to tape garbage bags to my eyes. People would say, 'dude, you have huge bags under your eyes' and I would say, 'yeah I was up really late last night...taping these to my eyes.”

Accidentistry

2010-10-03T15:03:00.001-07:00

“Accidentistry—if in doubt, rip it out.”

Friendly Fire

2010-10-02T23:19:00.000-07:00

Paint, Pig, Paint

2010-09-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

“That hand motion makes it look like you're shaking a gallon of paint.”

“A pig?”

“Yes. And you're telling it to get back to work. No! Paint!”

Popcorn Grandma

2010-09-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

Seen on a Rosauer's readerboard:

“Fresh!

Baked!

Grandma!

Dinner!

Rolls.”

“Jiffy

Corn

Muffin Mix!”

“Makes me think of popcorn muffins.”

"They'd have to be some pretty big kernels."

Have You Ever Actually Heard of Anyone Dying From a Lightning Strike?

2010-09-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

“Soul sucking surge protector sandals.”

“You could get struck by lightning and survive.”

“All that would happen is your sandals would explode.”

High as a Kite Tops

2010-09-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

"This food must be laced with something, like arsenic or lead. I'm not feeling too well."

"Yeeessss. It's laced with DOILIES!"

"Ah that explains it."

"And my shoes are laced with LACES!"

You Guys Sounded Super Good

2010-09-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

"ἑμποδίζει σεαυτόν"

"Why'd you say that?"

"It's the only thing I could think of."

"You could say that about anything."

"Nose sweater."

"Potato shoes."

"Totem toes."

"Why'd you say that?"

"It's the only thing I could think of!"

"What do you call a lot of Polish people standing on eachothers' heads?"

"Totem poles!"

Gheedle Gheedle Gheedle

2010-09-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

"I want some darned fresh fruit!"

"Youuu can't darn fruit."

"I'm good with a needle."

"Maybe the needle is good with you. Do you guide the needle or does the naid gheedle you?"

Lip Spaghetti

2010-08-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

"Aw man, I think I might start having to shave every day. And I still can't grow a real mustache."

"It's ok, you will learn."

"How do you grow a mustache?"

"Step 1: knead dough until firm. Or just push really hard."

"Eurrrrgh!" *Foop* "It worked!"

Antibacterial Handpasta

2010-08-21T23:23:00.000-07:00

"So I was thinking about awkward today. Turns out it's all in the legs. If someone complimented your shirt, you'd think 'oh, okay.' If they complimented your pants, you'd wonder... It's like, if someone said, 'You have nice hands,' it would be fine. But it would be weird to say, 'I like your knees...'"

"I dunno--I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with people complimenting my hands. What would you say? 'Thanks. I brush regularly.'?"

"Handpaste. Gross."

"Nosepaste!"

"Just be careful not to use anti-cavity paste."

"It filled in my nostrils!"

Gun Belt

2010-08-02T00:46:00.000-07:00

"My belt picks up the slacks."

"My suspenders pick up slacks."

"Servants pick up my slacks."

"But who would pick up their slacks?"

"It would be a never-ending conga line."

"And the end of civilization as we know it. Everyone would have their hands full just trying to keep their pants up."

"Y'know, belts don't really pick up slacks. They really just hold them up."

"This is it, slacks, I'm holding you up--open up your drawers and give me all your cash."

Sleepwalkin'

2010-08-02T00:10:00.000-07:00

The High Gazebo is back! After a month and a half of dealing shrewdly with fish on a barge in Alaska, we are back in one piece, missing a grand total of no limbs. While there, Staab developed several talents, sleepwalking among them. What follows is a dramatization.

One night I was asleep, as I should be, and I suddenly woke my roommates with a bang on the wall, and a "let me out!" I was dreaming that I was asleep inside an empty box designed to hold a thousand pounds of fish (we called them "totes"), like those we used on the production floor. With no warning, I jumped off my top bunk, tore the sheets off my bed and threw them onto Jon, who was sleeping below me. Then I started rummaging through the stuff on the bookshelf, finally picking up an ipod. I said, "What the heck?" And Stephen, behind me asked me groggily, "Staab, what are you doing?" I replied, "Stephen, you're in here too?" It was then I realized I was completely out of my mind.

A couple days later, I again jumped down from my bed, with no warning, turned to Jon, and, pointing at the bookshelf asked him,
"Who's working here?"
"What?"
"Who's putting fish here?"
"Oh, that's me."
"Um... there's no one putting fish here."
"Oh. Yeah, sorry."
"Ugh. What? Me and my stupid hallucinations. I'm going to bed."
And I went to bed.

One night, George was lying in his bunk, reading, and I sat straight up and told him,
"George! This is the wrong tote!"
He decided to mess with me, so he said,
"No Jon. It's the right tote."
I looked at him disgustedly and said,
"No, it's the WRONG tote...ugh. I'm going to bed."

Finally, the day before we left the barge, I sat up in bed and started calmly arranging my sheets sideways to hang off my bed. Stephen asked,
"Staab, what are you doing?"
"I'm putting my sheets sideways so I can cut them in half with the forklift."
"Wouldn't scissors be easier?"
"No... do you have some?"
"No."
A little later, I told him,
"Hey! I just made shoes out of fish!"
"Staab, you can't make shoes out of fish."
"Yes you can Stephen. You just strap two fish together, and them put them on your feet."
At one point, I referenced something I termed the "pile of Steve." He justly took issue with this as being completely nonsensical, but I thought I was coherent, so I looked at him impatiently, and said, "It's metonymy."

Anyway, it was something I'd never done before and I thought it was hilarious to hear the crazy stories about things I'd said after I woke up. So I thought I'd share it with you.

We Don't Know Enough About Peter Parker

2010-05-26T22:51:00.000-07:00

"What do you call a heroic, creepy, web-slinging valet wearing red tights at a Greek restaurant in New York City?"

"Pita Parker."

Spuperman

2010-05-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

"You look kind of like Clark Kent with those glasses on. Or maybe Peter Parker. I'm not sure which."

"Those are my alter egos. Sometimes I am Clark Kent; sometimes Peter Parker. I am Alter Ego Man!"

"Y'know, there's probably someone else out there who goes around as Spiderman."

"When disaster strikes, I enter a telephone booth as Spiderman, and emerge as Superman!"

"How do you do that?!"

"I'm like one of those plastic Easter eggs. Half of me is pink and the other half green."

"You're a Siamese twin?"

"Ha what if Spiderman and Superman were Siamese twins?"

"Only their legs would be allergic to kryptonite."

My Shoelaces Taste Funny

2010-05-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

"Oh man, what if your fingers had taste buds?"

"That would be so gross. Shaking hands would be an experience."

"Salty. Yeah, there are so many things you touch that you don't want to taste. Dogs, lawn clippings, paper, basketballs, swimming pool water, your own face."

"You could wear flavored gloves though."

"Dentists actually have those."

"Oh gross. I would not want people sucking on my fingers."

Shoplifting Hairpieces

2010-05-06T21:33:00.001-07:00

"Do I have to to pay?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you... don't have toupee."

"What, I don't have to pay? I had to pay yesterday!"

"No sir, you don't have toupee. In fact you're completely bald."

Elvis Was White

2010-03-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

"Hey, check out my new dance! I call it the cardboard box."

"Break it down."

-----

"Wait...Wait...wait for it... Double-decker bicycle."

Make Like a Chinese Thief and Take a Wok

2010-03-21T14:14:00.000-07:00

"Hi, can I make like Chaos and take your order?"

"No pressure, just make like video games and take your time."

"Make like a centaur and take umbrage?"

"Make like a real estate agent and take your place."

I Willn't Dump Stir... Fry

2010-03-12T16:25:00.000-08:00

"Do not play in on or around the dumpster."

"Also, do not play between, among, under, or behind the dumpster."

"Do not play through the dumpster."

"Do not play with the dumpster."

"Do not play without the dumpster."

"Do not play against the dumpster."

"Do not provoke the dumpster."

"Do not tease the dumpster."

"Do not misunderstand the dumpster."

"Do not befriend the dumpster."

"Do not invite the dumpster over for dinner."

"Do not ask the dumpster for directions."

"Do not make eye contact with the dumpster."

A Punch in the Gills

2010-03-07T01:32:00.001-08:00

"Commas are important. They can change a lot. For example: Tickle me, Elmo."

-----

"Hello. I'm your great grandfather... Clock."

"Did you hear? Grandfather clock had a stroke!"

-----

"Y'know, the prefix 'be' means 'taken off' when you're saying 'beheaded,' but it doesn't really work in any other circumstance. Like betrothed."

"I've lost my trothe! Or besmirched."

"Someone stole my smirch! Or benighted."

"Nope, not yours. Betrayed."

"The waiter came and took my tray. It was then I realized--I had been betrayed."

-----

"Brilliant deduction."

"Yes, let me show you de duck shun. Duck, get away. You deserve naught but misery."

-----

"See that constellation? Yeah that's the Double Dipper. Also known as Jerkos Major. Son, never be like him."

Swollen Presence

2010-02-28T23:12:00.000-08:00

"Staab, you're still here?"

"Yes. I think I'm sick."

"You have stay-here-itis."

"The swelling of the stay here."

"That actually makes perfect sense.

Unique New York

2010-02-19T17:26:00.000-08:00

"I always end up saying 'unique Yew Nork.'"

"Sounds like a moral at the end of a story. 'If you Neek, you nork."

"Isn't there something called a nark?"

"Yeah. Like a Narcoleptics Officer."

"...State Farm is there."

Sheep Talking

2010-02-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

"I was falling asleep just now, and when I opened my eyes, I thought Mr. Schlect was walking around carrying a half empty pie pan."

Desirable Runnnings

2010-02-15T10:07:00.000-08:00

Christian: "Coolness is basically being in a desirable state, right?"

"Yeah, that's why I like you. You're in such a desirable state."

"Why yes I am. I'm very desirable."

"You know what else? It's fairly desirable outside today."

"I had to put on a coat this morning because the weather was so desirable."

"You can go ahead and put the drinks in the desirable-er."

"The desirablator."

"The desirabilitator."

"Desirable beans."

Inntertuba

2010-02-14T16:43:00.000-08:00

"You need to get in touch with your inntertube."

"My central vacuole?! I'm under a lot of pressure!"

"What?! Contractile vacuole?!"

"SPLEURGH!"

"Whelp, there's my lunch."

The Way of Curds

2010-01-13T23:22:00.000-08:00

The conflict presently going on in the Middle East may be considered, in part, a war between the Kurds and the American Whey.

Let loose the Pylons of War

2009-12-15T13:50:00.000-08:00

"Oh man I know nothing about the history final."

"Yeah me neither. I don't know whether Pylos is person or a place or an animal or vegetable or mineral."

"Yeah, all I can think of when I hear that word is a traffic cone."

"Pylon was very middle-of-the-road on this issue."

"Pylos was a major thoroughfare for Greek trade."

"However, they were forced to take a detour around it."

"Darn rubberneckers."

Snowing Parmesan Cheese

2009-12-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

"What do you call a cheese popsicle?"

"Freezy cheese!"

"What do you call someone else's cheese popsicle?"

"Nacho Popsicle!"

Kosher Kittens?

2009-11-12T22:33:00.001-08:00

"Every time I see orange juice I think 'orange Jews'"

"Every time someone says in biology, "Cat juice," I get the image of a cat saying 'meowzel tov'"

They look kinda like fish

2009-11-08T16:29:00.000-08:00

So. Jon and I decided it would be a good idea to put goolgy eyes on our shoes. Tyler pointed out some potential drawbacks. But we pressed on.

Rush Limbaugh

2009-11-04T21:57:00.000-08:00

"You can make a potato burger as long as you have three potatoes and thumbs."

-----

"That's a hokey folky pokey."

Refuse to Diffuse

2009-11-04T09:59:00.001-08:00

"Life is like a water balloon. If you fill it too full, it explodes."

"Marriage is like dynamite. It only takes one match."

------

“Caleb! Your beard is gone! It looks nice. It's hibernating inside your face.”

“And in the spring it will come out again.”

“With little flowerbuds on the end of the hairs.”

Dragged Over the Rusty Keyboard of Your Heart

2009-11-02T21:57:00.000-08:00

"If your heart goes 'lush dush' there's something wrong with your valves."

"Sounds like something out of a romance novel."

---------

"Whoa I just dragged my book over my keyboard and something came up. So I couldn't do it any more. I was otherwise engaged."

---------

"Skittles--they come from Steve."

"I want to make a short film about that. I'd still appreciate it in 50 years."

"The good old days. When skittles came from Steve and water was free."

---------

"Every time I see the phrase 'naval power' it makes me happy inside."

"In 1913 Churchill had proposed a navel holiday."

Noodle Slap

2009-10-23T07:32:00.001-07:00

If you add noodles onto pretty much anything, it makes it better. And slightly more awkward.

"Filing Sermon Notes with Noodles!"

"How to read a book... with noodles."

"I'm going to go cozy up to Plutarch. With noodles."

"I bought a new couch with noodles."

"Hi! I'd like a bacon cheesburger with noodles please?"

"I'm going to grow a mustache with noodles!"

"I'm watching you... with noodles..."

"I just swept the kitchen floor with noodles."

"My friend cut my hair yesterday with noodles."

"I'm currently typing on my keyboard with noodles."

"Let's play darts with noodles!"

"I buttoned my shirt with noodles this morning."

"I hung a picture with noodles."

"During the Persian war, the Athenians conquered the Persian navy at Salamis with noodles."

"Obama held a press conference today with noodles."

"We sang several hymns with noodles."

"Yeah I got a Brita pitcher and it filters water with noodles."

"I went bungee jumping once with noodles."

"I changed a tire with noodles."

"The Dallas Cowboys can never win a game with noodles."

"There are thousands of illegal immigrants with noodles in this country."

"My teacher taught me about the War for Independence with noodles."

"I replaced my doorknob. With noodles."

"Every morning I shave my face with noodles."

"I gotta go to the gas station to fill up my car with noodles."

"In the spring, the trees began to blossom again with noodles."

"My dog ate my homework with noodles."

"I took my dog for a walk with noodles."

"My lousy neighbor built a fence with noodles."

"I hired some people to paint my house with noodles."

"Jeff is going to fix my bike with noodles."

"The correct way to cut the head off a fish is to put your finger through its gills, then slice along the neckline through the spine with noodles."

"When I was a kid, I built a treehouse with noodles."

"27 is 3 multiplied 3 times with noodles."

"Hitler tried to take over the world with noodles."

"BUY NOW! Mold and soap scum remover with noodles!"

"There's a spider on the wall! With noodles!"

"I live in an apartment with Noodles. He's not a bad roommate. Though there is an interesting story behind his nickname..."

Of course, many of these things could really be applied to MacGyver.

High on Wife

2009-10-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

"Y'know, 'wife' is just 'life' with a speech impediment."

"How's wife man?"

"Oh she's good. Wife's just fwoating awong."

"Gwad to hear it. Did you know cats have nine wives?"

"Yeah man. Mine was running from a dog yesterday and ran into a pole. That was one of his wives gone."

"Which one, the dog or the pole?"

Are we human? Or are we Gladiator?

2009-09-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

"So there's a ballet dancer and a gladiator walking through a forest. Now, the ballet dancer is kinda flouncy, and is singing "are we human? Or are we dancer!" incessantly and ergo, is driving the gladiator nuts. Because he's a man. Now, this particular forest happens to be filled to the brim with bears, and, since the ballet dancer forgot to hang her trash from a tree, they come out and eat her. They don't bother the gladiator for obvious reasons. He chuckes and says, "Well, I'm glad 'e ate 'er."

Davy Jones' Organs Are Just Like Ours

2009-09-17T12:44:00.000-07:00

"Davy Jones."

"Hm?"

"That's what it says on that canoe over there."

"Boy am I glad I'm not sitting in there..."

"Why does this canoe have a hole in the bottom and lead bricks pasted to the inside?"

"It's the ferry to Davy Jones' Locker."

"I wonder if he locks his locker?"

"Probably not. I mean, it's at the bottom of the sea."

"That's a good point. It probably is too rusted out to lock anyway."

"Maybe Davy Jones isn't actually a fearsome pirate. Maybe he's just a purveyor of faulty goods."

"Davy Jones' facewash! WARNING: YOU MAY SPROUT TENTACLES OUT THE FACE."

"Davy Jones' cutoff jeans! We make them WHILE you're wearing them! Free peg leg with every pair."

"Davy Jones' pirate hooks! That's probably where awkward pirates come from."

"Davy Jones' poop deck! Just like how it sounds."

"Davy Jones' body piercing. Gangrene guaranteed."

"Davy Jones' scurvy tablets! Each one filled with a vitamin C rich mixture of old toothpaste and sawdust."

"Davy Jones' gold teeth. They're really just corn seeds."

"Boy. THAT'S awkward."

1000 [hits] is the number of tums I took today

2009-09-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

"Here, Jon, hold this."

"Sure thing, just call me Johnny Cupholder."

"He can hold 5 or even 6 cups ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And even more at different times."

"I have three hands and pockets in my pockets!"

"Sprockets in your pockets!"

"Pockets on the sprockets in your pockets!"

"What's a sprocket?"

"I dunno, but I know Spaceley makes them."

Free Zucchini Bread

2009-08-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

"A single axon can run the entire length of your body."

"Hehe."

"Hm? Oh gosh. I think I know what image you just got in your head."

"What?"

"A little dude running frantically the whole length of your leg?"

"No, I was thinking of deodorant. 'Axe on, axe off.'"

Beef, Elk River Falls, and Bruce Willis

2009-08-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

"If only we had a sun roof."

"Do you have a sun roof?"

"Yes, this is my son, Roof."

-----

"Hmmm possession of stolen goods. Why do they always call them goods? Why not bads?"

"What would that be? 'Hey! You stole my moldy bagels! But that's okay.'"

-----

"You know how, whenever you get lyposuction-"

"Which happens a lot."

"You're all saggy?"

"Sure."

"You could say, "My midriff is adrift!"

-----

"So much peer pressure my ears are popping!"

-----

"I just realized--every time you close your phone, you're flipping it off!"

-----

Stephen: "Lemme show you this song. Track number 8."

"Numero Octopus."

"What is wrong with your cat?!!?"

"Hah what do you call siamese twin cats?"

"An Octopus!"

"If I ever get a siamese cat, I'm calling it Octopus."

-----

"Isn't there something you can touch a leech with and it'll release it's grip?"

"Yeah I think it's bananas."

"My Kryptonite is BANANAS."

"What would happen if a leech bit a vampire?"

"It would turn into a leech, of course."

"WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!?!?"

-----

"I'm getting moo-tion sick. Like an ostracized cow."

-----

STRUM STRUM

"This is a huge guitar. The top string is by my face, the bottom one at my ankles."

"Imagine trying to play chords! You could use your hands to press the frets and your feet to strum!"

"Except for 3 string chords you'd have to use your face."

"I really want to make a giant face ukelele now."

"Face ukelele! You could strum with your nose!"

"You could recognize face ukelele players by the calluses on their noses."

"I see you play the ukelele."

"Why yes I do."

"There could be a whole line of face instruments. Like bongos. for the face."

"Fongo!"

"Fango!"

"Sounds like an Australian animal."

"Or the sound a banjo makes."

Cummings Complex

2009-06-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

"Hmm... do you know who this is? Their name is perelandra. The first letter is lowercase, too. Interesting."

"Whoa that's crazy cuz when you told me that I saw the word in my head and it wasn't capitalized. Maybe I was E. E. Cummings in a past life."

"That would be kinda cool to be E. E. Cummings in a past life. I'd feel so... superior."

"Maybe E. E. Cummings had a superiority complex. That's why he wrote in lowercase letters."

"And he probably signed his name E. E. CUMMINGS just to make himself feel more important."

Doormat

2009-06-15T22:32:00.001-07:00

'It would be really terrifying if you were in the shower and some guy popped up and said, "Hi! I'm Shower Matt!"'

Summer Gazebo

2009-05-18T07:53:00.001-07:00

Well summer has come and Jon and Jon have become just one Jon and another Jon for a while. I, Jon, will be on a fishing boat in Alaska (hopefully) for most of the summer. Jon, on the other hand, will remain here, working at the Thai house and hanging out with various people. However, we will both be keeping blogs this summer.

missinggoat.blogspot.com

[I'll get Jon to post his link later]

Have a good summer everyone! May God bless you in everything you do. Love him with all your heart and do not forget him. He will be there to guide you at all times. I look forward to seeing you all next year!

Ciao!

Lordship Final?

2009-05-10T21:56:00.001-07:00

"Facebook is Satan!"

"Maybe Satan is Facebook..."

"That explains so much... Why is my tassel wet?"

Kick You With Mah Shotgun

2009-05-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

"I just thought of something! If you kicked someone's donkey in the nose, you could say, 'I just kicked your ass in the face!"

Brocket

2009-05-06T22:02:00.001-07:00

"If you had a pocket full of sunshine in your breast pocket, you would call that heartburn."

Metrical escalation

2009-05-06T20:14:00.001-07:00

"Meter: rhythm that falls at regular intervals. Like a man with a peg leg on an escalator."

Joncentrate

2009-05-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

"I am concentrated! And yes, I have been drunk. But I was watered down first."

Gill Tea Pleasures

2009-05-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

"I'm glad we didn't play Mario Cart. I hate that game."

"Why?"

"I played it a whole bunch one day, then Chuck came over and played like 30 games because he couldn't get enough. If they have Mario Cart in Heaven, I'm not playing."

"What if you could be in the car?"

"That would be freaky. 'Oh hey there Mario!' 'Hel-oo ther-e Jon! Wel-e-come to Heav-en!'"

"If I played Mario Cart right now, I'd feel guilty."

"I never feel guilty."

"Gill tea, on the other hand, is delicious."

"Gill tea. Breathe it in."

"Something's fishy about this tea."

Paradoxical

2009-05-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

"What did Zeno name his yacht club?"

"Zeno's Pair-o-Docks!"

He's a Poooooor Man!

2009-04-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

"I sweat money, but I'm still a pore man."

So That's Where They Went...

2009-04-27T23:55:00.000-07:00

"My chin hairs are like owls. They're few and far between, and there are only about two in Moscow."

"There are three that live in our yard. They were playing badminton yesterday."

Weirder Than a Box of Inside-Out Coconuts

2009-04-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

"That chimney has a wierd shadow. It's triangular."

"Batman 3: Triangular Shadow."

"Batman 4: Squarish-Shaped Shadow."

"Batman 5: Pentagonal Shaped Shadow."

"Batman 6: Robin goes to boarding school!"

"While Batman gets progressively fatter."

"Vigilantes need donuts too."

"Vigilante Donuts!"

"You could make a whole line of vigilante gear. They already have Batman underwear. Vigilante toilet brush. Vigilante kitchen knife set. Vigilante water--bottled at the source. Vigilante fruit snacks."

"Man I really want to start a line of fruit snacks. Freddy VS Jason fruit snacks..."

"Why are these all red?"

"In my neighborhood, everything is cherry flavored."

"Bad role model fruit snacks. Berry Britney Spears! Lime Lindsey Lohan!"

"Leonidas fruit snacks."

"THIS IS PINEAPPLE!!!"

Stoking a Gas Stove

2009-04-21T22:25:00.000-07:00

"Y'know, I love my teachers. I'm stoked about my teachers. It's true. I'm stoked. And you know who I think of everytime I hear that word, 'stoked?' That's right. Mr. Grieser."

Deer With Big Ears

2009-04-21T22:23:00.000-07:00

"I bet Amelia Earhart's ear hurt. Because of the altitude..."

Bovine Waitress

2009-04-21T22:08:00.000-07:00

"When it comes to cows, I'm a good tipper."

Jewish Demi-god of Witty Pigs

2009-04-19T22:41:00.000-07:00

Charles, Jon and I were walking along one evening.

"Hm I really want to do some hand springs."

"You can make water come from your hands!?"

"Doh ho ho ho ho!"

"Staab, you are a god of wit."

"Or maybe just a demi-god of wit."

"Or the son of a demi-god of wit."

"Or the cousin of a son of a demi-god of wit."

"I have the scent of wit, thrice removed. I touched something that touched something that smelled like wit."

"Kosher wit!"

"Not quite. More like funny pigs."

Blindosaurs

2009-04-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

"Ding da ding da ding da ding! Well today Christian told me something cool. Ding da ding da ding da ding! Something about dinosaurs. Ding da ding da ding da ding! Apparently, they have a little something called brain knobs; Ding da ding da ding da ding! These little bundles of nerves (a good band name I imagine); Ding da ding da ding da ding! Are located in the knees of dinosaurs: Ding da ding da ding da ding! And they, essentially, are reseivoirs of reaction, Ding da ding da ding da ding!"

"Stoked about that ukelele aren't ya?"

"Yeah! But isn't that weird? Like, what if your brain was in your knees? Or you had multiple brains?"

"You could get a stroke in your left knee. Then your left knee would be really stupid."

"You could get punched in the face and just stand there for a few seconds wondering what just happened."

"But I imagine you'd be pretty good at soccer."

"Dude, your eyes are in your face."

"Yeah but your feet are on your feet."

"Your brain being near your feet would only help blind soccer players... playing with other blind soccer players."

"There would be no end to the carnage."

Deep Fried Eggs

2009-04-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

"What do you call a family of young dogs living in a dumpster?"

"A litter of puppies!"

Zebra Stamps

2009-04-08T18:02:00.001-07:00

"Jon, could you tell me what you think of my declamation?"

"Sure."

"..."

"It's great."

"I haven't gone yet."

"Yes, but I do know it's white with black on it. Like a dyslexic zebra sat on it. Or maybe it was an albino zebra who had been wandering through the desert when a lost writer who could only read and write backwards wrote your declamation on it who sat on what is now your declamation."

"Maybe."

Creepy Carpenter

2009-04-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

"What do you call a creepy farmer?"

"A stalker!"

-----

"What do you call a Seventh-Day-Adventist carpenter?"

"A Tin Roof Sunday!"

Birch Tree (W)Rap

2009-04-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

"Y'know, I never really got why everyone thinks trees look like old men. They look more like young people to me, reaching up."

"And they're all holding hands."

"Maybe the wind blew their hair and someone happened to have some hairspray on hand."

"What's blue and white?"

"Eminem in Antarctica."

Laughless, Legless, Loveless

2009-04-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

"Did you know that the average person laughs 13 times per day?"

"Whoa. I bet you can't keep from laughing 13 times the rest of the night."

"You're on."

"What's brown and sticky?"

"Haha. Oops that's one. Heh. Oh dang hahaha. Oh. Haha. Aw man! Hehehe darn it. That's five..."

Emoridgidoo

2009-04-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

"I had an interesting mental image the other day. An emo aboriginal playing music on his didgeridoo."

He's Short--He Deserves to Be Pushed Over

2009-04-03T18:40:00.001-07:00

"Why is there a higher mortality rate among skydiving midgets?"

"They have 3 feet farther to fall."

Flip Flop Flip

2009-04-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

"What do you call flip flops for a person with two left feet?"

"Flip flips?"

"No, flop flops. Flip flips are for people with two right feet. Right feet are more dextrous. If you have two left feet you're more likely to flop."

Tectonic Carrots

2009-04-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

"What is orange and three feet tall?"

"A Leprechaun that ate too many carrots!"

"What does a clumsy waiter carry food on?"

"Tectonic plates!"

clickity bang

2009-04-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

"i think it's just a one round game"

"like russian roulette!"

Inflated Oxy Moron

2009-03-30T22:19:00.000-07:00

"Money makes my world go round. Like a tire. But I don't have enough money. So my world is flat. But if I have enough money, my world is well-inflated. And when I have too much my world explodes."

-----

"My this dictionary is definitious."

-----

"I'm the Crazy Metaphor Man! They call me Crametaman!"

-----

"I always forget my tips. A dollar a day keeps the doctor away."

"That's not quite right."

"Oh. I forgot my tips again."

Ghost of Christmas Past Tents

2009-03-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

"Did you change my notification?"

"All I heard was 'are you in the past tense?' No, but I was in the Tent of the Past."

"Or a really old circus."

Diced Yawn

2009-03-29T22:50:00.000-07:00

"He was on time, like a man sitting on his watch."

"That, if anything was a Jon-ism."

"I'm a Jon-ist!"

"You can't be a Jon-ist! Only I can be a Jon-ist. Cuz my name's Jon."

"My name's Jon too..."

"Oh yeah I guess so. We're Jon-ists!"

"I'm Jon-dissed!"

"I'm Jaundiced!"

You're Back!... What about it...?

2009-03-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

A More Accurate Time Share

2009-03-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

"Guess what we won for the Andies?"

"What?"

"An alarm clock. And there were two of us. It wouldn't really work out."

"You could do a timeshare thing."

"Ahahaha!"

"Pun not intended."

Genetic Fruit Pollution

2009-03-25T20:03:00.000-07:00

"Pomegranates are more trouble than they're worth."

"I know, once you get through the skin, all you have are little seeds. And they really stain clothes, especially if you're me."

"Your clothes stain more easily?"

"It's in my jeans."

I Tuck My Shirt Out

2009-03-23T22:28:00.000-07:00

"Funny how people always say inside-out instead of outside-in!"

"I'm wearing my shirt outside-in!"

"I'm wearing my pants outside-in!"

"I'm wearing my hat outside-beside!"

"I'm wearing my shoes inside-among!"

"I'm wearing my veil about-face."

Open at Both Ends

2009-03-22T16:31:00.000-07:00

"What do you call a traffic jam in chile?"

"Salsa?"

"A taco!"

"I don't get it..."

"No for real!"

"Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in a taco."

"At least it wasn't a burrito."

Cleaning the Car-pet

2009-03-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

Infant Tree

2009-03-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

It's All In Your Mind

2009-03-16T11:12:00.000-07:00

"It's like a party in my nose!"

"Whoa..."

"What?"

"I've actually had a party in my nose. Well, assuming parties have a distinct odor. Everything I've ever smelled has been in my nose! I've had a pizza up my nose!"

"I've had a dog up my nose! Fire up my nose! Potatoes up my nose!"

"I've had my armpit up my nose! A flower up my nose! Candles up my nose!"

"Oh and not just for smell either! I've had a firetruck lodged in my ears! Fireworks in my ears! A sick person in my mind! I've had you in my ears!"

"Ew..."

"How was it?"

"Like the inside of a hippopotamus with smoker's lung."

"Oh..."

Freshmen Salad '09

2009-03-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

Nate Wilson said at some point that each of us could be associated with an instrument. Jon and I realized this could be exteded quite significantly. What if each one of us was a vegetable?

Jon would be a Carrot.

I would be a radish.

Sauder is a green bean, while James would be celery.

Ashley is a squash.

Charles is reminiscent of a potato.

Anthony could be an olive.

Tyler Abens reminds me of an onion.

Lauryl might be a pumpkin.

Dane is a cucumber.

Karyn might be a shallot, while Maggie is broccoli.

And Tyler Antkowiak, he is the lettuce that makes us a salad.

Cellulose Cream Cap

2009-03-13T13:48:00.001-07:00

"I used shaving cream for a while, but I didn't like it, so I said, "screw this," as I put on the cap."

Rogaine in the Membrane

2009-03-13T00:37:00.000-07:00

"You guys have pop?"

"AKA soda. Yes."

"Sop."

"Poda."

"Poda, Yoda's younger brother."

"He speaks perfect English."

" 'A good Jedi you will never make,' a young Yoda would taunt."

" 'That's alright, I'm a grammarian,' Poda would reply."

"Poda the short, green grammarian."

"That movie would be dumber than a garlic breathmint."

"Are you kidding? It would rock more than an obsidian rocking chair. He's short. He's green. He teaches elementary students about verbs and nouns."

"And you should see the size of his q-tips. He uses lint rollers."

"Paintbrushes."

"Bunches of cottonballs on the end of a mop."

"Or just one really big cotton ball."

"A sheep on the end of a mop."

Transcendental Paddling

2009-03-12T11:31:00.000-07:00

"I like this song. It's kinda lame, but it's a lame song I can appreciate. Just kinda chill and, 'all we know is all we know.'"

"Nirvana."

"Yeah I know it's like I'm sitting in a boat with my legs crossed in a coma."

"And with extra arms."

"Three sets of arms arms would make things so much cooler. You'd be really good at boxing. You could slap 6 people at once. You'd be a really good barrista. You would give awesome hugs."

"Yeah, except it would be kinda crazy to hug someone. Where do you put your arms? In between theirs?"

"Well, they all come from the same spot, don't they? So I guess like normal."

"Man you would be really good at swimming. Might be kinda awkward though. You would rock at butterfly."

"Like a human rowboat!"

"Rowboat? I was thinking more of an... eel or something."

"Heel!"

Happy Accident

2009-03-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

"Oops that was inadvertentical."

"Inadvertentickle!"

"Inadvertentsickle!"

"This was a delicious accident."

Paraquiche

2009-03-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

"Bells and bananas. They both have peal appeal."

Good Guys Guise

2009-03-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

"Are we good guys or is it just a good guise?"

I'll Cut Your Face With THIS

2009-03-11T18:46:00.000-07:00

"What did the barber say when he lost his tractor?"

"Barber?"

"Oh. Farmer. But I suppose a barber would wonder why he had a tractor anyway."

"So what did the barber say when he lost his tractor?"

"Nothing. He didn't know he had a tractor in the first place."

"Now a tractor beam on the other hand..."

R is for Argyle

2009-03-11T17:19:00.001-07:00

"When it comes to gymnastics, failing and flailing are the same thing."

Cordless Mic

2009-03-11T17:19:00.000-07:00

"I'm Magic Mike."

"And you can call me Headphone Jack."

Berry Me With It

2009-03-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

"Whaaa this snow is deep! I'm being buried!"

"I wouldn't want to be buried."

"I wouldn't want to be berried."

"I was buried in a vat of raspberry jam!"

He's just kidding himself

2009-03-11T16:14:00.000-07:00

"What did the Egyptian skeptic say as he floundered in the river?"

"Help, I'm in denial!"

Vac attack

2009-03-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

"well that sucks"

"like a vamped up vaccuum"

"a vampiric vacuum??"

"A vampiric vacuum! 'We're in a bit of a hurry for this blood drive, so we'll have to hook you up to the Drac-vac.'"

Like a Fish in a Helicopter

2009-03-11T07:17:00.001-07:00

"Jon and I do drugs without doing drugs."

"We're high on life."

"Like a turtle on a skyscraper."

"Or a flying squirrel on it's armpits."

"We're high on our armpits."